...A Withering Old Man, Alone Under a Rain Tree...

Growing old alone has been something I've feared sometimes... Illness, eccentricity, loss of reality, delusions, becoming senile, loneliness, inability to enjoy and do so many things... It's scary.

But then there are so many other things that I guess its difficult to fathom - collective wisdom, the immense growth in character, the pleasure in the small things...

But I'd like to share 4 different examples of ageing I've seen in my life...

The Lady Downstairs
Every morning I can hear her moans (which are really screams that she unsuccessfully attempts thanks to her ill-health) as she keeps calling out to someone... In the past she would sit with her door ajar and ask everyone who walked by what time it was... and then would attempt to make small talk as she repeated everything you said... her brain would slowly seem to process this information and yet the next time you saw her she asked you the same questions... Her son/nephew is a foul-mouthed, uncouth person who  works in the middle east and she has another extremely old lady (albeit in slightly better health but senile nevertheless) and a maid during the day for company. Once upon a time they called me into their house to see some seepage and there was a sickening hospital-like odour in the house...

It scares me.

Cuddles
Cuddles is an aged Labrador... She belongs to a friend. Rather she was inherited by a friend after her father passed away. Cuddles was her father's dog. Well actually, her father's friend's dog. So now Cuddles grows old with little love or affection and is a reminder of so many memories that aren't wanted. And while there is the sanitary 'taking care' that is done to care of her... the truth is, she isn't really  wanted. She wasn't by choice. But now they cope with her. They aren't bad people at all. In fact, quite the opposite. But she just doesn't happen to be what they wanted... and they don't have a choice. So, they cope.

I've felt sad for cuddles.

Chinna Patiamma
Chinna Patiamma just celebrated her centenary birthday surrounded by family and friends in October. She is a cynosure of affection for her family. She is active, extremely positive in her outlook, vibrant and so so so affectionate. She refers to me as one of her own grandchildren. In typical fashion as most elders in India she blesses me every time she sees me... We chat and laugh. I tease her about her 'fashionable' haircut and how we should go out together sometime...

I can't fathom how she does it. She's over a 100 years old!

Uncle, a friend's dad
He lost his wife early this year, suffers from acute diabetes, has a few toes and a foot amputated, has very limited sight, needs dialysis twice a week and so many more health issues... But he is one of the most vibrant and happy people you will ever meet. He exudes confidence and charm. Every time you meet him, he has fascinating stories of his travels around the world to tell you about and several insights into everyday life. He smiles from within. And even through all of his health issues, he is the rock that gives his children emotional support. When you meet him you feel such a strong sense of purpose and general amazement at life that it cant help but leave you inspired.

I really like spending time with uncle...

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If ever I am a withering old man, alone under a rain tree... i hope i sit there smiling and surrounded by love.

In My World, 2011 has been a year of...

New Beginnings...

Well, I did begin to write this blog... I also began working in a completely new job profile and responsibility... I made a few new friends... Some of my friends began new journeys that I was a part of in a small way... I reconnected with lost friends and mentors... There have been some thoughts and ideas that have begun to seed in my head...

But Beginnings almost always seem to have their ends...

Coming to Understand the Things I Value Most...

Family, Friends, Love, Work, Time, Money, Making a Difference, Fitness, Helping, Being Kind and Fair, Being Successful, Nurturing, Supportive, Adventure, Varied Experiences...

Baby Steps Towards the Things I Value...

I try to go home more often and spend more time with my folks. I value Time with them much, much more. I've grown closer to some of my friends... I've become more accommodating while also realizing which of them I value and which I'm not really sure of... I've made a conscious effort to be a positive influence in the world around me (...if you know me, have I been one in your world?)... I may have not done much but I've tried... I've begun sending more money home...

Learning how to Let Go... and How to Hang On

It's been a year that's taught me about insecurity... and being able to try to let go of it. It's been a year that taught me to love and simultaneously not lose sight of my life... It's been a year that's reminded me of how to look out for others before myself... I've been forced to learn to let go of anger, frustration, guilt, vengeance and move on... to forgive, forget and become wiser...

Proud, Special Moments and Small Victories

There have been so many small things that have happened through the year that warm the heart... a friend getting a new job, my sister getting a scholarship, a loan being approved, booking a new car, getting a raise, receiving a random text...

Reduced Random Madness...

There wasn't the seismic volume of madness that surrounded the 'me' of the past few years. It's been a fairly tempered year... The keyword is 'random'... so while it has had its share of call-it-what-you-will, it's been a year that was made of

...Mature, Informed, Patient Choices

Many a time, I've held myself back and thought through a lot of what I did. The 'me' of the past was impulsive and impatient. Choices I've made have usually been thought out and calmly processed... There have been testing times that I've patiently waited through... and others that I've broken down in, and yet somehow found a way to pull through...

But there have also been some

...Mad, Fun, Memorable Times

Bachelor Parties, weekends spent in conversation and laughter, long long nights of celebration, affection and sharing.

*he laughs to himself recollecting some of these*

Injury

Throughout the year, I've been carrying some form of physical injury or the other... and I've tried to fight inertia to stay fit. This I need to do better in the following year.

Better Work

Work over the last few months has been more gratifying than in the past... But i expect more from myself here as well...

... And Life Goes On...


PS - I realize this was a long, verbose and probably boring mail... But I really did write this one entirely for me.

Hi

I was watching this movie called 'The Hurricane' based on the true life story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter a few days ago on cable. It wasn't the first time I was watching the movie... I remember watching it several years ago while i was in college (wow, feels strange to be referring to my college days as 'several years ago') and it made me cry like a baby. Well, i am a little bit of a 'cry-er', especially when it comes to movies, and this is a phenomenally courageous and emotional story... definitely, a must watch.

But, I digress. There's a scene in the movie where Rubin Carter (played by Denzel Washington) is sent to 90 days of solitary confinement.

90 days.
In a dark room.
A.L.O.N.E.

Scary. One of my biggest fears is/was growing old alone...

I wonder what it is about being alone that makes a lot of us cringe... While some of us do enjoy time alone, I think there's a an innate need for us to interact. To appreciate. To be appreciated. To discuss. To Argue... a need for external stimulus. So yes, some of us may like 'alone' time, but we still need a television/book/scenic venue...

I guess what i'm saying is that it's funny that while so much of how we perceive the world around us is about our own state of mind, yet we often seem to rely on the world around us for stimulation. Of. Every. Kind.

Lack of stimulus makes us feel lonely, bored, wasted, un-loved... I guess you could call it attention, sharing, interacting, touch, actions etc... these are just words...

I know that for me, there is an innate need to share, to do things together, to interact with people... and even when i'm alone I try to talk/chat to people over the phone/net... else i end up watching sports or movies or shows... and even in the rare occasion read a book.

But effectively, I guess your thinking "what else does he expect us to do?"

Nothing, really. i just thought its interesting.

But the next time you type out a text message that happens to just say the word "Hi" and are about to press 'send'.
Hold on.
Think about it.
Is that all you have to stimulate someone with? Really?

Cos that's really what they want... a fix. a stimulant... sometimes even a shred of humour or inspiration. Go ahead, contribute. It can't hurt. Too much.

Reminds me of the opening words in the movie 'Crash'... It's life, really.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. "

...Perfect Beautiful Love...

So, I haven't blogged in AGES... I've been meaning to on several occasions and have had so much to write about but somehow just didn't...

I've been busy with work (I committed to myself that I wouldn't blog during work no matter how slow my days were... and Voila! Work got challenging and hectic and all that...).

And my life's update in a nutshell: I fell back in love.

Gosh, that sounds mushy... But it's true. Or well, let me rephrase... I realized I loved a special someone...

It's special. To say the least. And it's strange. When you cherish a relationship that way, the very things that sometimes irritate you, often become the things you grow to like...

"...imperfection is the basis of beauty..."

- Me :)

There are moments when one is overcome by this inner sense of belonging and affection (and it is a great feeling). There are moments of strange beauty. There are moments of insecurity. There are others filled with jealousy and disappointment. There are times of happiness. There are times of intimacy... and so much more... pride, confusion, frustration, laughter, temptation, attraction, admiration, warmth, honesty...

And I dare say, it's imperfect. 

It's beautiful. 

It makes me smile... and laugh.

And well, there have also been times that it's made me cry... the whole spectrum.

I won't stand here (well, figuratively speaking...) and glorify it cos that would just be silly. But I will say this... I cherish this love. More than even I thought I did. It makes me want to be a better man. Well, on most days at least. 

And when that kinda love comes along, even the most ardent readers of this blog will forgive me for being distracted. 

Won't you? 

:)

And as far as imperfections and love go... I wouldn't have it any other way!

Dreams...

I rarely ever have dreams that are sweet and pleasant...

In fact sometimes, when I'm really upset or stressed, I'll just wake up and lie awake in bed feeling horrible... But I never have dreams that are really beautiful... the kind that make you smile...

Last night I had a nightmare. Well, technically this morning. It was the kinda dream that inspires horror films. And the thing is, I stay alone... or you could say with my cat. Even so, i'm not one to get spooked. In fact the logical mind kicks in and always seem to rationalize the situation. It's funny though how we never ever seem to get spooked during the day...

I've often wondered why we dream. Sometimes, I've had the strangest dreams that leave behind a taste in the back of one's mouth... a textured sensation in one's breath... or a chill. I've had dreams that've randomly left me disturbed, where I've had to call friends or family to make sure they were ok. Maybe we've all had them...

I wonder why we dream the dreams we dream...

It's kinda ironical then that we use the word 'dream' with aspirations... when possibly it has more to do with fears. I guess I rarely dream... maybe when I sleep, I 'nightmare' more!

So I ask myself what're the things that make me smile when I go to sleep... Or when I wake up... Most of the time, the things that'll make me smile have to do with tiny moments of intimacy... moments that're laugh-out-loud funny... moments that're brilliant and beautiful... moments that're profoundly proud and satisfying... moments that're almost always with friends, family and life. Moments of excellence. These moments are the things that inspire and make one continue to strive...

So, if I wake up with a smile on my face and you find yourself seeing that smile of mine... know that it aint cos I'd a lovely dream. It was cos of you. It is cos of you.

"I love women. I have all their albums."

This is a post about Hank Moody (from 'Californication') and me... and the reasons why I hate where the creators took the show over the last two seasons...


Hank is the rebellious cynical half-poet with undeniable dark charm and affinity for the prettier sex who somehow always seems to have countless women throwing themselves at him in spite of the messed up situations he gets into... and yet deep down he's really just a one-woman guy madly in love with his ex-wife and daughter... But he just can't seem to keep it together...


so, the truth is... there is so much about Hank that i identify with. I know how he does 85% of the stuff he does to keep himself occupied... to keep himself distracted... to help himself deal with the fact that you dont always get what you want... and yet he knows its possible he's just making excuses to himself...


In the show hank says some of the most candid, irreverent and honest things a man feels... how in times that're ridiculously serious we'll feel like looking at a pair of tits for example. None of us would ever dare even allow the thought to linger. Hank will revel in it... and in some situations he's painfully loyal in his own twisted way... and Yet in others he'll just walk outta the room where he was with the love of his life and make out with the next set of legs that walks by - a walking contradiction. And in others, he'll say the coolest, most poetic (which are sometimes strangely irreverently honest) things... here's a few... (including the title too!)

"A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness."

"You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly."

"There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen."

"I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare. As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time, noble in thought... weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give."

Hank makes being a major fuck-up look cool. He really does. I hate that they reduced him to being a total mess. I know it's just a show... and I know life isn't rosy... we all have our defeats and victories and I guess there really is no single rule that applies to life and the world...except, that it moves on.

But I wish they hadn't made him fail at the things that mattered most to him - Karen (his ex-wife) and his daughter...

I sometimes feel like I know Hank... in me. A friend told me very recently that she didn't know why i didn't show the 'real' me to people... that if i did, they wouldn't stand a chance and would all love me choicelessly. well, i thought they did anyway... well ok, not really. but I kinda make do with whomever I'm talking to... 85% of the time I'm not even interested (no offense here btw! The issue is me.)... I'm only passing time i guess... So honestly, I rarely care. I rarely have the patience. 

But I know i'll be great when i feel like i want to. I hope at least. When passion finds itself in my life. And the passions that have found emself in my life. 

Finally, to Hank I say... "Take it easy Moody, it's just a show... it aint life."

the Actor

So, i've been told many a time that i'm a fabulous actor. I've also been told many a time that i can't hide my emotions. I wonder if these both come from very different facets of myself... or are they the same side of the coin. The word actor is derived from 'one who acts'... hence by definition, a skilled actor pretends... or does the fine actor actually feel emotion to such an extent that he emotes naturally, the method actor...

The 'actor' in my life has always been a pretender...

Increasingly I've been finding that in various situations in my life, the actor has to come alive. In fact, on so many occasions we all act. But the scary thing about acting isn't the fact that one is often pretending... the scary part is that eventually one begins to fool one's self into believing the act...

Ever told yourself, 'ok, stop it. get over it and be happy.' Pretty soon, someone cracks a coupla jokes, or something funny happens and Voila! your giggling and finding yourself feeling warm again... On the other hand, if you sometimes just decide not to 'let go' of something and want to stay angry, it's amazing how everything that happens will stress you out n piss you off...

so basically what i'm saying is that you can often fool yourself into feeling a certain way. I've used this sometimes to deflect pain. I tell myself things to make me feel better and deflect the issue. In other times, i tend to distract myself... i'll watch a movie or go out or meet someone...

i guess we all do it.

sometime back, there was a time that i was really upset. When i told myself, i wasn't going to allow myself to feel that way or even show how i felt... i decided i would 'act'. That I would fool myself...

But I didn't really get very far... in that process of fooling one's self i kinda got scared cos i felt like i was actually losing the real me. I'm not sure i want that. The truth is for all of my rubbish, my insecurities, my failures and my sentimentality... I really like me.
:)

So even if the audience demands an encore... i hope the actor has only a small part to play.

Saved! (part Tres)... the 'Love' texts...

i guess the title should rather be 'the texts with Love' but this one has a nice ring to it, no?

so continuing with the series of saved texts on my phone, here's a bunch of em that're a lil sentimental and openly affectionate...

the farewell-till-next-time-you-visit-remember-we-love-and-miss-you texts


so, i don't stay in the same city as my family. yet, i'm really really attached to them and not being able to be around them more is one of the biggest regrets of my life. really. Everytime i visit home, the farewell when i've to come back is a little hard. there's always mixed feelings. there's always a sense of leaving a part of me behind. there's always a sense of regret. and there's love...

texts from mum (she's super text savvy... *chuckle*)

"We love you so o o o o o so so so . . Much son :)"

...in response to a 'love you lots n lots mum' text...

":) you know you our joy :)"

from the sis (who used to sob everytime i said bye while leaving home... even if i'd woken her up from sleep, she'd wake up bawling... i later stopped cos it was actually a little difficult to swallow... but she's kinda grown up n doesn't anymore :))

"All I know is this time i promised myself to not cry when u were leaving....and I failed miserably. I love you ashu anna."

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the job and the life

Its evident that one spends a huge portion of one's life at work... and given that situation, it's really important and a good thing to be able to love the work that you do, the people that you do it with and the environment that you create for yourself/or is created for you to do it in...

me and my boss share a relationship that is far more than just a simple working relationship. In many ways he has been a guiding light and is someone i've always looked up to. and to him, I've always been someone he could trust. we're friends. he can be really demanding and very difficult lots of the time but he's also a lot more. we're sorta 'son and father'. we're sorta yoda and a young padavan. we're boss and employee. 

...in response to a sentimental 'i'm glad we're in this together' type text (which unfortunately i don't have saved.)

"I am also glad to have you in my life"

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Ah. Life is good! It is. 

Love, Sex and Dhoka

so I haven't been writing nearly as often as i'd have liked to... but then again, i've been busy focusing on other stuff...

And while i have fleetingly thought about blog posts over the last few weeks, I'm not really sure what i'd write about... but then again, the title sorta rung a bell a few days ago...so it shall be my guiding light!

Love: its an 'ajeeb cheez'... the subtle difference of loving someone and being in love with someone... the subtle difference of feeling someone is yours, the way you would think of your child vs the 'owning' someone in a way that is self indulgent...

as I've grown older i've come to understand love in very many ways... well understand is an entirely wrong word... i guess experienced love in very many ways would be what i mean.

Free will is such an important element in the kinda love i seek. So is respect, admiration, selflessness (well, atleast lack of selfishness...), growth, friendship, fun, laughter, support... I look around and boy, its a little overwhelming to see how one is surrounded by love.

and yet you know how people say the point of life is to be happy... well, i'm not so sure. In fact i think it's not. I think the point of life is actually to experience it. to fully experience it and live it. In every emotion, every challenge, every moment...the silly blurs of childhood, the memory flashes of a college lecture on a rainy day, the sound of the rain, the pain of loss, the drear of forcing yourself to do something your not inclined to, the reassuring hug of a parent, the smell of a loved one's hair and the way it slowly fades from your pillow, the subconscious power of a memory of home cooked food... they all have their place in life.

I guess, in some ways I also think its to strive towards excellence. to attempt to discover that one might actually not have limitations... or atleast to rediscover that they can be pushed everyday. In every aspect of life...

Sex: Oh boy. have we made this a complicated plot. Sex. making Love. Fuck. Doing it. getting it on. being intimate. making out. sex with friends. sex with lovers. sex with strangers. sex with yourself. sex over the phone. sex with acquaintances. sex with girls whom you cant recall. sex with girls whom you'll never forget! sex that's carnal. sex that's spiritual. sex that's emotional. sex that's even experimental!

Bottom-line, I'm really a one-woman type of guy. But evolution didn't really give a shit. and well she (read that 'one woman') seems to be a little busy and elusive at the moment.

so every kind of experience still seems to have it's place. N i love it. N i yearn for more.

Dhoka: we always speak about honesty being the bottomline in relationships, work ethic and life. But maybe sometimes honesty is just a way of washing off the guilt.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, one cheats on one's spouse. Let's say one realizes one's folly. Let's say one genuinely repents. Is one morally inclined (from a karmic point of view as well) to be honest and confess? the argument for one to be honest is clear. But on the other hand, maybe one is purely doing so out of an inability to lump it and carry that bag of bricks called guilt, and hence chooses honesty, but is actually JUST hurting the other person. One has realized one's folly. One has felt lousy. One still loves one's partner... so what does telling the other person achieve? The truth be told, one will never really know unless one tells... but then again, the 'why' should come before the act no? There's so many aspects to the truth as well...

so yeah, I'm not so convinced. But telling the truth does feel nice sometimes. Especially when you don't have to deal with guilt. Especially when you're forgiven. Especially when it liberates.
But then again, the point of life isn't just to feel happy is it?

Bring in the jury. They've reached their verdict. And ye shall be Guilty. As charged.

:)

Flotsam. Is that me, now?

Rusty, weary and nervous... Very freaking nervous.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort at work... a LOT of patience... a LOT of waiting.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort on so many things. Personal spaces, life, professional relationships, relationships...

And while at this moment it feels like i've got nothing to show, i know that's not entirely true. Yet, i feel like i haven't done enough... I feel rusty.

I've been making errors with contracts over the last couple of months. I've been waiting and passing time on facebook and youtube during office hours cos there's been little else to do! In fact a day spent reading reports tends to feel productive, while actually it should be something i do in my spare time to be extra prepared. I feel rusty. I feel restless and this can't be good for my work.

I feel that way about my personal life too sometimes.

Ok, so the logical mind is saying take it easy... don't panic. It doesn't help. Breathe.

Breathe.

It'll happen. It will.

Breathe. Ok now come on, show me a light. I need clarity.

I'm not enjoying this flotsam type feeling. But then again, every moment has a lesson. So, this is one to be learnt.

Even flotsam, moves in the direction of the tide. Even flotsam has a centre of gravity.

Whoooosa! :)

Free Will. It is a Bitch.

Walk into a bar. You smile. The music soaks into you. The endorphins start to flow through your body. A girl walks by. Her eyes meet yours. She smiles… You walk on. Hi-fives all around to your mates. Bartender gets you your drink over the clamoring others with a smile. And then you see the girl in turquoise blue. 

beat. 

beat. 

She looks away. You walk up. You talk. She laughs. Then a little more. She's got you by her little finger... 

But you don't let her know. Or well, you do. 

Life goes on. And with it the beautiful little moments of flirting, of texting, of charming, of dancing, a few poems, a few flowers, and more…

And you've charmed her… Charmed her pants off. (well. not literally. not yet. Or well...) And she's got your heart.

So there's a point when for you to really have her, she's gotta take a leap of faith. And she'll have to keep taking em. Some small, others impossibly large and seemingly catastrophic. Well actually, both of you will have to.

At that point, you can choose to charm her… or you can leave it upto free will. You can make her laugh, treat her like a princess, you can even listen… and in all probability she will melt. And she will leap.

But ever so rarely, when you come to that point, you sit back and hope… and wait. And watch if she will take that leap of faith.

Now the thing is, sometimes she'll choose otherwise. But one has to accept that.

cos free will, it is a bitch.

But if she does, catch her as she lands. 

(Even if she is a little heavy). 

In which direction does the Stork fly?

Apparently, in Italy, everyone is a flirt. Well, every man atleast. Possibly, the stork lost its way just before me was born... Italian shores beckoned but the package was dropped in the hands of a lovely couple of Naiks in Hyderabad at the time. Thank god!

But the streak remains. I love to flirt. I love meeting an interesting person. I love talking to an engaging, pretty woman... And I'm bold enough to do it randomly.

I've met the most wonderful women all through my life and had the pleasure of interacting with so many of you all thanks to this extrovert-ish, unabashed nature. And well there have been the others.

Eventually comes along a time when one may fall in love. Actually well, i can't say i know anyone who hasn't. (*So rephrasing*) Eventually comes along a time when one falls in love. And then eventually also comes along a time to move on. To future meetings or new beginnings...

So i guess, thus i come to the point of this post (rather quickly too)...

I'm not sure if there's a reason why we learn every lesson, why we make every turn, why we make every choice, why we choose (or fool ourselves that we don't make some choices) to live a certain way...or if it's random.

I'm not sure if the point of life is to be happy... or wise... or is it to live to the fullest in each and every emotion. whether it be comic or tragic, or a tad sad, or solely lonely...

I dont know if regrets are worth carrying, and eventually healing or if it were best that they be laid down to rest...

I live in this duality. And at every turn, every corner, and along the way... there seems to be an answer. Incomplete. Yet, sometimes complete in that moment.

And then, the clock ticks...

So apparently i didn't come to the point of this post...

PS- it didn't seem to have one! oh well, reflections of a restless state of mind... or restless mind? 
hahahaha... (*evil laughter*)

for the kids...

When one lives on the streets, I guess life can be hard. I’ve often wondered what kind of self-belief and character people who beg for a living would be made of. I really don’t have a judgment on the issue since I have never faced anything even remotely close to the questions/situations life poses to them.

I made a personal choice to never give beggars money. On my way to work, at a particular traffic signal there’s a bunch of street kids that I buy food for occasionally. They crowd around the car and pester me on most days… on most days I decline but occasionally I’ll allow them into the car. Excitedly they jump in and the ruckus begins. With squeals for the music to be turned louder to the air-conditioning to be redirected, the sheer thrill is palpable… they speak to me in hindi but amongst themselves in strange tongues mixed with Marathi... looking around to see if any of their friends are watching and wave and scream out to them even though the windows are up… the naiveté and easy happiness of children is almost always wonderful to see… Though these kids getting into the car at a traffic signal must often make for a suspicious or curious sight for passers-by.

On this rainy day (today), two of em jumped in… and they were shivering from being soaked to the bone. They wanted chai to keep em warm. So as we went off in the direction of the chai stall they continued to shiver… at the chai stall I gave them money for chai and vada pav (as I didn’t want to get down and there was a lot of traffic) and then even gave them some more money to buy themselves cheap raincoats. I hope they buy them and don’t use the money for anything else. Even if they do, I guess I’ll buy em raincoats again.

I wonder what kinda people they will become as they grow up. Having bought them meals, and on occasion footwear and raincoats, I’ve somehow become attached to them in a tiny small way even though on most days they feel like pests… yet I’ve tiny dreams for them… that they would not stay on the streets for long… that they would not become beggars or prostitutes or thieves or drug addicts… that they would be happy. Though I don’t really do much to actually change any of that.

I watch from the sidelines.

I’m not sure I would do this if it didn’t make me feel good about me. So I’m not being altruistic or anything. In many ways I do it for me. Also I’m not even making a serious attempt or sacrifice at my end. But I know I do want to give back in my own small way. I hope to do that someday. Unselfishly.

And therein lies an irony. There really is no such thing as a true act of kindness. As the charming woman once said, “Cest La Vie”...

Nevertheless, I hope they’re wearing raincoats morrow. And better still, for their sake, I hope it doesn’t even rain.

The Banana Peel, the Stepping Stone and the Ones that got away...

1. One night, in a club, I saw a guy walk upto a girl and start talking to her. She seemed to step back. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to step in and play my game... I walked upto her and said "hey, sorry I'm late", pretending to be her friend and thinking she'd play along to ward off the guy and then we'd laugh about it like Hitch... BUT (to my astonishment, i may add) they just stared at me and walked away. Was a different league of embarrassing...
2. During college, I'd tell my friends I was 'quitting' smoking every morning yet in a few hours/days would be puffing away on a cigarette that I'd taken from them...
3. All my professors felt it was a given that I'd get into IIT, yet when i wrote the entrance exam, during the Math (my forte) paper, i didn't know the answer to virtually anything. Clueless. Yet, i was still hopeful. Needless to say, I didn't make it into even one of them.
4. Yet I spent 4 years wasted away studying engineering... something i realized very very soon that i didn't want to be... and then another year preparing for the next career choice... 5 years in whole of time wasted from a 'career' perspective...
5. I've cheated on women...
6. I once told a girl she was fat... (BIG mistake!)
7. I've had my fair share of heartbreak...
8. I've failed miserably. On so many occasions...

Life will always throw these challenges at you. And no matter how good you are, you will fail. You will make choices you regret. You will get hurt, embarrassed, ridiculed, stomped over, bullied, lied to, betrayed and so much more... 

(yes, eeeeeeeeven the occasional sexual rejection! I know, that's unfair, but it's been known to happen...)

But I guess a good boxer is one who knows how to take a punch and get back on his feet... It's one of the things that often gives us the most amount of satisfaction... when you look back.

Today, when i look back at my failures, I most often look at them without the pain that accompanied them at those times. Yet, when i first encountered them and sometimes for times that followed, they hurt. They were demoralizing.

But I always got back on my feet. That day always came. That day will come. Always. As long as you believe it will. There is no blow from which you wont heal, no cut too deep, no abyss too dark... blah, blah...

As the song goes, "The sun'll come out Tomorrow, So ya gotta hang on, 'Til tomorrow, Come what may...Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're  only a day away!"

I am not lost. I am here. Hear me roar!

in an ideal world...

what would my world be like... if it was perfect.

1. I die while in the middle of a lovely romp in the sack. happily... (and for the sake of the girl that i'm having it with i hope she dies at the same instant too cos else that'd just be very scary for her)... Ok, Ok... I'll just settle for dying content...
2. there would be no bad food. all food would taste good. atleast all the food i ate.
3. I will eventually be father to 3 kids (2 handsome, strong and intelligent boys and 1 beautiful virgin-forever girl (who will even go on to conceive immaculately)), have a lovely large house by the sea (a clean sea) and have a beautiful lovely wife (who cooks awesome food, is simply a goddess and a wonder-woman in bed) and we all love each other insanely and we all live happily ever after... 
4. My wife and I would share an awesome love... the kind that is filled with little intimate secrets between us, moments we cherish, times we've helped each other, stories of adventures together, tiny things that makes us laugh like idiots...silly irreplaceable memories... and more. and with imperfections galore. with some regrets. but the kind that we learnt from and make us stronger.
5. __________________________________________________________________                                                                                                                              (some things even i don't have to confess to you)
6. Rod Stewart and Michael Jackson would perform at my wedding on a beach in South Goa... David Guetta, Black Eyed Peas and Taio Cruz would host the after-party. 
7. me, my family and friends would have no financial issues. No one would have outrageous obscene expenditures such as owning ferraris or bungalows on bandstand either. Everyone would have enough. Everyone would learn from their mistakes.
8. i would always be 'cool'. if i did something uncool, it'd become cool simply cos I did it! Kinda like Rajnikant. 
9. i would've travelled the world over and had an awesome time doing it... from brazil to Kenya, NZ to Cambodia, Italy to Kazakhistan... and would have many many stories to tell. Many that you will recall with envy.
10. i would've written a lovely novel... one that'll inspire you, teach you and sometimes make you cry.
11. i'd be an actor. i would look like 'Sawyer' from LOST (but fitter). and would have a body of work that'll make the likes of Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholas and Aamir Khan jealous. And i would've worked really hard to do all of that successfully. I'd also have my own entourage.
12. Everyone would have challenging exciting work that they enjoy tremendously.
13. there would be no war. and people would find a sustainable way of living in harmony with the planet.
14. i would be a certified sky diving expert. I'd get to watch a figure skating performance by the best in the world, composed and choreographed to the story of my life. Boredom and having to try to get laid would be things of the past.
15. Chennai super Kings will win every edition of the IPL (well, we're almost there...), Michael Schumacher would still race like a champion, Jordan would be leading the bulls to yet another title, Saurav Ganguly would've also won a world cup as captain of Team India and would be batting like the prince that he was (for Chennai super Kings) and Nistelroy would still be finishing like the magical finisher he was... 
16. Traffic jams would not exist. Filth would not exist. No one would be extremely poor.
17. Life would still be unpredictable, filled with challenges and exciting.

Tick Tock.

Since everyone likes a story…here’s one.

I’d been waiting for ages for a raise and opportunity I’d totally deserved. I do hold a key position, one that’s very dear to the company and am considered a stakeholder (well I consider myself one as well…in many ways, I feel like it is my company), I hadn’t been getting a 'salary' (do note that that is different from ‘wealth’ generation in the long term) that satisfied me. But then again, as a stakeholder, one must make sacrifices in the interest of the Company performing to reap benefits later.

I’d put in a lot of hardwork, effort and time. But it just didn’t seem to be happening the way I wanted it to. The raise I’d gotten felt like a pittance, but as my boss explained, “it wasn’t a reflection of worth, but merely a ‘sustenance’ fund”.  But that wasn’t the most important thing, the kinda work I was doing was frustrating and random (even if it was sometimes important work, it felt random). There were times when one felt like one was floating… watching life pass by. I wanted a change. I was ready to be thrown into the deep end of the pool. Again.

I needed a challenge. I needed something with potential.

Then one morning my boss called me to his house (we share a very ‘Yoda-Padavan’ type relationship) and presented me with an opportunity he was thinking about handing over to me. A big one. But things didn’t seem to move on that even though I’d completely given my consent. I continued to wait. 

Frustrated.

Then, one afternoon they called me into the boardroom and presented me with another opportunity. This time I said I’d like to think about it. The next day I said yes. This time, they were seriously gonna give this a try. Now, my pay was to be restructured. But again, I’d to think about how much to earn as a salary since this was a new business and making it work was gonna be my responsibility. They wanted me to propose a business plan and salary. So, hesitantly I did. And then waited. And waited. Impatiently. Tempted to ask , but somehow restrained myself.

One evening, my new boss (I now have 3!) walked by my desk on his way out and casually asked if it was “OK” if he paid me just a miniscule amount less than what I’d asked for. I happily said yes. I’d finally gotten a salary that gave me a tiny bit of financial room… more money to send home, possibly move to a larger place, get a cook, live like the 30 year old I am about to  become etc… good news.

And a challenge lies ahead. (((Yay!!!))) But given the nature of the challenge, I’m back to doing what I hate...

Waiting.

So, as I’ve confessed before, patience isn’t a virtue.

But funnily, life over the last year or so has placed me in various situations where I’ve had to attempt to exercise it. Well, at least if I wanted things to go well… or well, even just play out.

At work, I’ve had to slowly yet surely demonstrate enthusiasm while having very little focused work to do. In my personal life, I’ve had to restrain myself. I haven’t been very good at either. But I’ve tried. Well, sorta. With the stuff that mattered I tried. Wasn’t very good, but I tried.

(I hate saying I tried)

In fact, I’m not patient with most things in life. I can’t seem to tell the difference between ‘seize the day’, chutzpah, and “all we have is now” to “go with the flow”, “the right time will come” and calm.

Even the tiger crouches in wait…

But whenever I’ve managed to be patient, it’s always given me a lot of happiness. Especially since I’ve sorta pulled through or helped someone else pull through something. I guess that’s why they sometimes say ‘good things happen to those who wait…’

So maybe it’s all about timing.

Yet to every saying lies an antithesis. So maybe, it’s all meant to be… no matter when (remember that scene from 'Om Shanti Om'? No? click this )…

That’s the funny thing about life…

You never know. And then suddenly, you do.

...imperfections...

There's a funny thing that alway seems to happen to me when i'm really fond of someone... it's their imperfections and the usually irritating stuff that would've normally gotten to me, that suddenly starts becoming the stuff you miss about them...

The first time you meet these people these things make you look at them with a little bit of caution... how someone gets really crazy when they're hungry... how someone has certain marks or scars on their body... how someone squints or lisps... their high pitched laughter or the silly things that used to make them laugh... how someone fusses over you... how they'd never wake up... how someone always has a piece of advice for every occasion... how they complain bout your driving... stretch marks... how someone always tested your patience... how someone always has some rubbish response to anything you say... how someone always annoyingly knew what you were thinking with one glance at your face... the tiny hairs on someone's back...

whatever it was... somehow as you get to know them... these things tend to become the very things that you adore about them... the things that make you feel all warm and silly as you think back... foolish little memories...

Reminds me of a scene from 'Good Will Hunting'... it's fab... you have check it out, click here... 

(aside - i have to watch that movie again sometime soon)

the little private things that you cant replace... the small things... the idiosyncrasies... and strangely, the imperfections...

Saved! (part Deux)

so continuing on the series of texts that i've saved on my phone that make me smile or feel fuzzy etc... here's some more... even though i really know that it's impossible to bring out how funny and yet thoughtful some of these are (and believe me they are!) i'm putting them out here cos they mean a lot to me...
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TNA
Most everyone who knows me, knows that among the several diverse interests that i have, i also absolutely love TNA... n i don't mean wrestling, well not the type that has fancily dressed men in tights anyways...

Dictionary meaning (or well, what it should be at least...)
TNA, abbreviation, tee-enn-aye : Tits N Ass.

Basically i'm a total pervert. Well, borderline at least.
:)

So, I'd been extremely depressed one evening. I can't remember  what exactly was wrong but i remember feeling absolutely demoralized... I was at wit's end and was ready to throw in the towel... i'd been texting a very pretty and close friend about it...

She sent me this text to cheer me up. I've no idea how she thought of it... and that too at a time when i was totally down n out... but the message always gets me grinning like an idiot...


"Awww... UU.... ()().... Boobs and ass just for you .... ((((((hug)))))) and a hug from me"


And I've been grinning like an idiot all the time I've been typing this... 

The Best Blowjob Ever.

So, i'd promised. And given that i'm a man of my word...

But it shall be cryptic. For to kiss and tell, is not gentlemanly. But then again, i've always only been half a gentleman. And hey, this post shall do NO harm to anyone.

Me and the girl in question had been out to a party... a huge party actually... was a special occasion of some sort... BUT i had this huge thing the next day... for which i'd been preparing quite diligently but i'd decided to party anyway...

so the thing about blowjobs is that for them to be reeeeeeeeeally enjoyable... one needs to know that the girl enjoys giving em... so, to the girls that really like em, well, you make us enjoy them, guiltlessly.

i remember it was her place... there was a lamp with a red sheer cover... we went there after the party... i was extremely extremely tired... and  i had this thing the next day for which i had to wake up and be alert and stuff... but hey, sex always makes for a compelling reason to stay awake a little longer...

as i said, i was really exhausted, eyes-close-mid-sentence-and-K.O type exhausted. So as this began and she went down i remember slowly drifting to a place that was very close to la-la-land. Now, the cool part was that she didn't panic... she just gently kept at it, but never let me off the hook. So here i was, laying there, doing absolutely nada, while my mind was being seduced in four different directions of bliss... and she happily kept me there... and was in no mood to let me get anywhere... and with no destination in sight, she was just there for the pleasure... and it was.

staying on that comfortable, dreamy yet completely adrenalizing and breath-taking edge... these are the things heavenly sensation is made of... i floated through it. tantalizingly still. a heady cocktail of all the good things that sensuality has to offer. In some strange manner it was a complete experience...

...a racy, slow blow that whispered a tired boy to sleep after lulling him on a hellride to eden and back.

10 Randomly 'cool' things that have happened in my life... (well at least that's how i see it!)

So I was thinking to myself about how some randomly cool things have happened in my life... and i felt like making a list... here goes...

1. my first real salary raise was 200% raise... in other words my salary tripled... (oh wait! is that merely a reflection of the peanuts i'd been making at the time? well it seemed cool then :))
2. my boss gifted me a car... it wasn't a new car or anything... it was his old car but it wasn't some small lousy machine... it was a Skoda Octavia... (which now is a lil old and stuff...but i still love her. somewhat.) she's been christened 'Lola'
3. i won the mr.university contest on the only year it was ever held... now believe you me, i know i'm no good-looker but i totally spoke my way to that... and it was special cos somewhere along the way i really won the crowd over... it was an awesome night... i know it sounds so shady, but it was so much fun... i've even got my statuette still (it looks exactly like an IIFA :))
4. during my engineering, i was the one who held the record of the lowest average percentage but having cleared all subjects (in my 3rd semester i'd an overall average of about 47% but having passed all my exams... there were guys who'd averages of around 55% and much more but who'd flunked in atleast one subject!) AND i also had the highest GRE scores (2260 - which someone eventually did better than!)...
5. i've got the best folks (that includes my baby sis!) on the planet. I had to slip this in.
6. i've somehow always had the best mentors one could wish for at various stages of my life...
7. i've a dislocated joint near my left thigh and hip but my bones have somehow re-alligned and formed a 'niche' outside the joint... a true specimen of evolution i am i tell you!
8. I once crashed into a car while doing around 80 kmph on a bike and neither me nor the guy behind me suffered much more than minor tiny bruises... i've never broken a bone in my body *touch wood*
9. my boss made me a director in his company within a few months of me joining him!
10. during all my years at school our basketball team had always lost... we weren't used to playing competitive basketball and were rarely exposed to competitive play...when i was in the 12th grade, we won our very last game that we played! It was a great feeling to finally win. This sorta started a reversal in the trend...

I've kept the women related stuff outta this cos that'd just be cliche... though the answer is no, i haven't been in a threesome...

:)

Scent of a Woman

There's something about the movie that makes it such a fabulous piece of work... in fact most everything about it... sometimes movies have great scenes that don't work when strung together and sometimes a great movie has ordinary scenes that work together excellently... but this had both... that tango that Al Pacino does, the first time that Chris O' Donnel meets Al Pacino, the way he coaxes the colonel out of shooting himself, that last speech... phew.

But this post wasn't meant to be about the movie...

The world's best fragrance has got to be the fleeting scent of a woman's shampoo-ed hair... you'd be going about your day as usual and then suddenly it'll breeze past you for a moment... or the first few moments when you meet a woman who's washed her hair... it's one of the most calming yet exciting fragrances. I cant describe how it makes me feel really, but it feels very reassuringly welcoming. I'm not sure if it's got to do with certain fragrances of shampoo and certain women or if its a general thing that works for most shampoos and women... but ever so rarely, once in a while i'll get completely distracted by a sudden draft of that scent... it's quite something...

I've always had a 'thing' for the way things smelled... i could tell which side of my parents bed i was sleeping on simply by the way it smelled... the way one's own bed smelled for a while after someone had been in it... the way someone's house smelled (mine smells pretty bad sometimes thanks to Solomon, my cat)... the smell of the rain wetting the earth (I sometimes even sense that fragrance when i'm watering my plants!)...

These scents have a way of taking you to a place/memory/emotion... yet you can't ever seem to relive the scent without it actually being there even though one can relive the emotion/memory/place where it takes you to... one would possibly identify the scent the second one comes to contact with it... but without it being there, one can't ever seem to really 'feel' the same as though it was... one can't seem to imagine the scent accurately.

These fragrances, they're elusive. When they're gone, they're gone... you can't seem to fool yourself into imagining them. Yet when they're around, they're unmistakable. 

She's all grown up!

I still remember the first time i saw my little sister. She was pink! No let me correct myself. She was PINK!!! Like i didn't know anyone could be thaaaaat pink. She looked straight out of a drawing! And i remember thinking to myself "uh, oh... that's my sis???".

I remember so many times with her as we grew up...  how while she was a baby i used to slowly sway her around while constantly talking to her as my voice reached a crescendo and she'd do her baby-giggle, how we'd fight over the remote while watching TV, how once i made her cry while trying to teach her math and then felt horrible about it, how she sometimes likes to hug me in her sleep but i always push her away, how she used to wake up crying everytime i used to leave home for college (to the extent that i stopped saying bye cos i'd always leave with a heavy heart anyways), how she always used to run away from a photo (to the extent that i'd only pics of her asleep in my room), how she called me when she got really high at a party and was scared cos she hadn't been that high before, times i've cried with her and times i've spent watching her grow up and face her challenges bravely... and so many times more...

Sometime ago I had gone to Bangalore (I hate calling it 'Bengaluru') for a friend's wedding and was gonna stay with my sis for a bit as well... as i got to her place we chatted for a while and i was informed chicken had been made (by the maid) for me specially! So after a little chilling we all sat down to dinner to discover the chicken had gone horribly wrong (hahahahaha...was super funny cos it was virtually completely raw!) and my sister was so pissed with her maid as she took the chicken into the kitchen and we began cooking it some more... we watched a movie and mid-way fell asleep...

In the morning she woke up early, made me breakfast and left for college. When i woke up i was alone... I remember looking around her room. I remember being completely overwhelmed... here i was, in my little sister's apartment, being taken care of by her. There was an immense sense of pride. I cried. Little bit.

My baby sis... wasn't anywhere close to a baby anymore!

So much about her stood out from being anywhere close to average. She'd grown into someone who was such a strong, distinct and unique individual.

Here's a pic of what she made me for breakfast that morning... it was really nice. Honest.

:)

Saved! (part Uno)

i've a few texts on my phone that i've saved... they make me smile, some crack me up, some make me feel fuzzy...

so i felt like i'd share em with you...
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Comrade AB

The bosses decided to throw a party for the entire company one evening... no, this wasn't a casual, spur-of-the-moment party but rather an official (but still spur-of-the-moment) party... so spur-of-the-moment that they did not realize that we'd a 10 AM with none other than the Big B the next morning... but anyhoo, with date, venue decided and booked, and arrangements done twas decided to plough ahead and part-ayyyy anyways... after all, this was the film business... and what was doing a meeting with a little hangover?

So, yours truly decided to make a night of it... and proceeded to get 'wooooohoooooo-plastered'! It was a fun night filled with booze (in copious amounts and diverse mixtures) and dancing... concluded by being driven home by a driver (rather, a valet who found himself spontaneously hired with an offer the he could not refuse...) at about 3 AM...

10:15 AM : our hero (myself) wakes up with shock (and with pain like twas caused by a nuclear device that may have gone off in his head) to the sound of the phone ringing in the distance...traces the sound to his jeans lying on the floor near the door in panic to see 8 missed calls from both the bosses!!! Heart stops! AB sr. meeting! fuck fuck fuck fuck... fuckity fucked!!!

Breathe... maybe they're late and i can still make it.

screw the morning tea, screw the dump, screw washing my face...in a jiffy the jeans are on, the mouth has been gargled with mouthwash (screw the teeth brushing!), two more missed calls have been ignored, shoes have been slipped on and as I put on the first shirt i got my hands on, i'm rushing out the door when i realize that i forgot my phone... get in, get it and rush out... on my way to the car i look through my messages and this text came through from one of the bosses (who is usually an absolute tyrant)... it still cracks me up everytime!


"Due to excess fraternising with our friend from russia comrade L.s Smirnoff, I have pushed the meeting with comrade AB. Long live the party... Hindi russi bhai bhai."


So the next day (to when the meeting had been rescheduled), when we did meet Big B, he looked at me as he came in and in his baritone voice asked "How're you feeling today Ashoo?" and as he noticed the puzzled expression on my face continued to, "I heard you were unwell yesterday..."

...beat...
...beat...

"urmmmm... feeling better Amitji", sorta just stumbled out of my mouth...

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Me... Commenting on Me... and a little more

So i realize that a lot of this post may have little relevance to most of you... cos well, it doesn't seem like it's gonna have much of a story or narrative... but it's a list. It's a list of things about me... 
So, since I feel like writing this list, I'm gonna. Also it's possible you may get to know me a little better... I'm doing this for the same reason actually.

Note - I've debated (with myself) on whether this should be a numbered list or a bulleted list… I guess one part of me won and the other lost :)

things about me that i like...

1. i'm vulnerable
2. I'm extremely hesitant to hurt other people
3. i'm very intelligent
4. i'm driven, determined and have fairly strong will power
5. i'm perceptive
6. i'm a 'giver'... will go all out to show the people i care about that i do.
7. i'm sensitive
8. i get attached to people…family and friends are my world
9. i can take a punch (metaphorically)… 
10. i'm funny, have a good sense of humour and don't mind laughing at myself
11. i'm not too scared of failing and making a fool outta myself
12. i'm intense and passionate
13. i try to make sure i enjoy what i do and i pursue the things i enjoy
14. i like to spread happiness and love...
15. i can be sorta charming
16. i can do something till it's mad… i thrive on excess… i like the 'mad' times... having said that i also do like the times of contentment and i actually do have several of those as well... both these drive me in many ways...
17. i'm persistent
18. i can be 'cool'
19. i'm mostly gentle
20. i'm loyal
21. i've a huge conscience and i like to do what i think is right
22. as much as i'm a night person, i'm also a morning person
23. I find it easy to forgive others most of the time
24. i try to be the best person i can

things i don't like about me...

1. i'm vulnerable
2. i'm sensitive…too sensitive… i wish i was tougher and a little thick skinned… though i'm not exactly what one would call delicate... only a few people can hurt me cos i've sorta let them 'in'...
3. i get attached to people…too much too easily
4. i can be needy - this i hate
5. i can do something till it's mad… i thrive on excess… i wish i knew a middle path… to balance along a fine line
6. i have terrible memory
7. i find it difficult to let go
8. i'm terribly restless and impatient
9. i wish i handled tense situations better
10. i wish i had more physical, emotional and mental stamina

some randoms...

1. i cry at movies
2. i think i was meant to be an artist... an entertainer of some sort
3. i'll make a great husband and dad
4. i'm really trying quite consciously to get really fit
5. writing this blog is a way of distracting myself and keeping myself occupied currently
6. i'm hugely pre-occuppied with women but i'm actually not really 'interested' in them currently...i don't know how to explain that... i guess i'm saying it doesn't mean much...
7. i try to be as honest as possible... even on this blog.
8. i'm a good dancer... though i feel like i'm losing my touch...
9. i still play sports but i'm always carrying injuries and don't feel like half the sportsman i was ten years ago...
10. when i was growing up i didn't think i'd ever be as physically tough as i am
11. but i did think i'd be better off career wise... i always felt like i was meant to achieve LOTs.... i still believe that...
12. songs, text messages, simple gestures can change how i feel dramatically...

so this is a long list. I'm gonna stop now cos it just gets a little too much to take in... but i was thinking, when i look back at the list, a lotta the things i like about me are also the very things i dislike about me...

Funny? How does one make sense of that? That seems to be one of the funny facets of life... in every black is white... the act of giving is a selfish one... the people you love and love you will choicelessly hurt you most... the dreams you have will wane... 

life, ends... 
and so on and so forth...