BC... Abhi Kya Karein Iss Emotion Ke Saath?

As is evident from the title, my Hindi sucks... but i'm sometimes stuck with this feeling and then I end up just brushing it aside and moving on. Moving on with my day. Moving on with life. Moving on with other emotions that engage.

What do I do about things that can't be changed. Or emotions that I just can't act upon. Emotions that linger with no purpose...

My friend Arvind passed away really suddenly on Dec 1st 2017. He was fit, healthy, newly married and most of all - a universally loved guy. It still baffles me how someone,, like him at age 31 would have to leave us. So much happiness this soul had to spread. He was a good guy - and I'm not just saying that because he isn't with us anymore.

Initially, I didn't really process this. I wasn't overcome by grief. Instead, I felt the need to either be a support and empathize with people around me OR just move on without. stopping.. to... think.

Only two weeks later, at his remembrance celebration, was I overcome by grief. In many ways, it still lingers. It's more a deep sense of sadness now. Grief numbed by time. And the need to move on. It creeps up on me in random moments like an old friend one bumps into when walking on the street... Sometimes, you stop to chat, sometimes it's awkward and exchange a word or two... and sometimes you pretend not to notice and continue walking.

But, atleast I have the choice of being able to function. Of being able to walk on. Of being able to carry my cross. My heart always goes out to his dearest ones on whose shoulders this weight must rest far more heavily.

I fear this crushing force sometimes. But it is important to recognize the inevitable. In fact, I hope I have a heavier cross to bear rather than the people around me.

We all move on. At our own pace. It's surely a good thing. Moving on is good. But yet they also say it's good to let the emotion soak in you - only so that you can move on properly. For his dearest friends, there must be moments when they ask themselves why they must move on. Everyday to ask yourself "What would Arvind feel like today?"
"What would Arvind have said to me in this situation?"
"How would Arvind have woken up this morning?"
"Would he have liked coffee or tea today?"
How to let this pain go. How to fill this empty space. How to forget the memories. I guess time will obviously ensure all of the above. But it's a funny tug-of-war... subconsciously there's a need to move on and let go while simultaneously, subconsciously there's also a need to hang on and always remember.

I hope and pray that the pain eases for all those it burdens. I hope and pray his joy and warmth soothes and comforts those upon whom he had showered. I hope and pray we can all smile and laugh and spread happiness in his afterglow.

The Wedding Speech (or what should've been)

I was at a close friend's wedding recently and after it was over a bunch of met up in Goa for two days and nights of absolute fun...

On the last night, while we all chilled at Zanzibar, a bunch of people who were really 'really' close (the inner 'inner' circle - that doesn't include me) made small speeches wishing the couple and what it's mean to them etc...

Here's mine (I sent them an email) - 

Ever so rarely you meet someone with whom you wanna share most of the things that life has to offer. Ever so rarely you meet someone that you're also willing to suffer through the annoying and difficult parts of their personality and the attachments that they come along with - ever so rarely these things even become fun. I remember how much I used to find stretch marks terribly unattractive until I fell in love with a girl who had a few... and then I actually missed em! Love has a way of obliterating things that would've ordinarily mattered. And it's wonderful to see it in the two of you. I even remember enviously walking out of XYZ's cabin in office several months ago when I saw how happy he was and wondering when/if I would ever have such emotion...

The funny thing about marriage though is that it needs more than just love. It is possible there will be times when it will feel so difficult to love each other. You guys will need to learn to forgive (sometimes, its possible it won't be easy... and will take time), to communicate (and that includes listening!) and to be insanely patient and strong for each other. I'm definitely not one to take any relationship advice from :) but always place the most importance on the bond that now binds you guys - in times of love, difficulty, illness, sorrow and come what may.

I see such a wonderful happiness in the two if you - you guys make 1+1= Infiniti. It has such a positive effect on the people around you as well. It makes me think it's not such a bad thing to be vulnerable.

From the bottom of my heart (which isn't too deep)- I wish you guys the best and all the things you guys wish for yourselves. Here's to awesomeness.

*skulls whiskey* 

If...

If I was richer... 

I'd travel a whole lot more.

If I was wiser...

I'd save a little bit more.

If I was better looking...

An actor I'd be.

If I could sing...

I'd waste my time seducing women...

If I hadn't gotten Polio...

An athlete I'd have become? Or maybe not.

If I wasn't as intelligent...

I would've been unbearably annoying!

If I was smarter...

I'd have made more money.

If I hadn't been so uncool as a kid...

I wouldn't have done the crazy things I did as an adult!

If I had more guts...

I'd actually find a cause worth fighting for... and fight for it.

If I had more guts...

A politician/activist I'd become.

If I was stronger...

I'd never be lonely.

If I had more passion...

An out-of-work stage actor I'd be...

If I had less ambition...

A stoned, out-of-work stage actor I'd be...

If I had less insecurity...

I'd feel a lot younger.

.....

If I wasn't me...

I wouldn't be.

.....

A lil post mid-way EVAL: Bucketlist '12

I've retained the original post in almost its entirety but have also added my evaluation of each wish with an underscore and a Verdict...

to start of with...

So, you kinda get caught up in the minutes, hours, nights, days, weeks, months and soon time has flashed by... You've spent a whole load of time doing several things but when you look back you somehow often find yourself saying, "hmmmmm, why didn't I ever do *that thing* when I wanted to?"

And one more often than rarely, doesn't seem to have an answer... So here's to putting down a list of objectives and thoughts for the year...

(Universe, you better be listening :)))))

Things that I wanna make sure I do/happen/work towards this year -

• a skydiving course - not just a single tandem jump but to actually do a decent course that actually teaches me a bit about it. I've always been fascinated by how it must feel... I remember jumping off the highest diving board at a few pools (which sometimes were almost 4 stories high) even when I was a kid... the acceleration... the rush! 
• well the skydiving course won't happen as yet but I will in all probability go for a paragliding course... In fact I was supposed to go for one with dad in august but unfortunately due to bad weather the entire schedule got canceled... but hey, atleast i'm halfway there... Progress
• baby steps towards building something or involving myself in something that'll make a difference -  it's been one of my life goals to find a way to make a genuine difference. I know it gives me a lot of satisfaction to be able to influence change in a positive way... In many ways it feels like one of the reasons one is put on this planet. 
• so far, nothing. I hate the fact that I haven't. I need to. Fail!
• sorting out if this is the career I want for myself... I'm doing fairly well for myself. But i don't feel like i'm doing enough or getting the opportunity to. I expected/expect more from myself. i need to rethink things and really figure... This is my year of choice. 
• so far this seems like a genuine step in the right direction, more than anything since it simply seems like there is potential. Progress
• to get a flat stomach - I always had this. Somehow a few years back a few inches found their grip. They have got to go. Otherwise i'm still fairly fit... 
• I've lost 8 kilos in 4.5 months... and that's just overall weight. I've probably lost a lot more fat which has been compensated by muscle gain. I love that I've been able to get back into shape. I'd like to lose a few more kilos and get those washboard abs. However, today, even I'd do me! Achievement... but still more to go.
• travel with my parents - I wanna take my parents somewhere or send them on an international vacation if I can't go... would be super if they agreed to go visit my sis in the US... 
• well we went on a couple of vacations but the US etc seems a little bit out of my financial reach at the moment... Baby steps
• to spend more time with my parents and with my sister... 
• I've spent so much more time this year with my folks that it's been an absolute pleasure. i could still spend more time and patience with my sister though... Progress
• to move into a beautiful, slightly bigger apartment... and to collect art and beautiful things... to make my environment filled with lotsa things one can just look at and admire... to create and allow myself to soak in and appreciate an environment of beauty... 
• well done! *Pat on back*!
• to make some real money... not sure how. But I really need to figure this out... i need to figure out some alternative business plans as well... some passion projects maybe... 
• work in progress
• I think I'd like to be in a steady, loving, sharing, involved, respectful, genuine relationship... I'm not really desperate for it and very happy to wait till it happens... and for sure don't need it to happen within a timeline... But I think I'm ready - and that's sorta relatively new. I'd also like to be continue to be totally happy in the absence of one... 
• phew. tough one. I think i met her n we had a good thing goin but we both messed it up. It seems like it's done but i do still love her. Flaws galore. Indestructible bonds. *makes grunting indistinct frustrated sounds*
• save... I've never actually kept aside money for anything... I kinda just used it as I pleased. While i've never been terrrrrribly broke, I think the time has come for me to learn to put aside some money on a regular basis... What I choose to use it for is fairly flexible though... 
• somewhat... by sending money home... Progress

Not too bad. 

We've come a long way baby...

Nobody Gets It All Right...

There are things in life, we regret but we still probably would wanna go through them again - cos we learnt valuable lessons... n there are those that we wish we could change - even if we did learn from them...

This is about a bit of both...

So, if I could change things about my life, what would I change... and what would I go through anyway...

• Polio - while I never really had to deal with the effects of having been affected by Polio by myself (my upbringing kinda conditioned me to such an extent that it was a non-issue in my own head), it has occasionally made me wonder if I would've been a supreme athlete. The truth is, its impossible to know, maybe I worked hard to compensate. But, it has been a gift of sorts... has given me a lot of confidence and self belief that there is no such thing as a handicap - credit for this almost entirely goes to my folks for bringing me up the way they did.
• Verdict - Go through anyway! (Sorry Michael Jordan, we can be team-mates in another life...)
• Infidelity - I've been intensely romantically involved with 3 women, and for various reasons been unfaithful to each of them in various degrees... and various shades of stupidity. I really loved/love each one of them deeply. I wish I could turn back the pain I've caused them. 
• Verdict - Rewind. Erase. Make it up to em. Wasn't worth it. Change.
• Impatience - at various times, I've been terribly impatient with the people I love dearly. From teaching my darling sister Mathematics to having the patience to listen to well-meaning advice from mum... I kinda didn't try hard enough.
• Verdict - Should've. Could've. Change.
• Career Choice - so I entered the 'movie business' cos I loved watching movies and sorta had been trained by coincidence in business skills. But eventually, I fell out with the 'business' of filmmaking... or well, atleast it lost some of it's magic. It still does inspire and is gratifying at times, atleast more than I imagine other jobs would be. Also now I've a great set of colleagues going - it helps! But I always dreamt, i'd make more money than I am, quicker than I am. Maybe, I should've followed my skill with science or payed with numbers a little more... Stock broker maybe? But it isn't all about the money - definitely not.
• Verdict - Jury Hung.
• Creepy Puberty-ish Stuff - as a kid i've done some random creepy stuff that i wish i never did.
• Verdict - Erase.
• Being "out-there" - No explanations.
• Verdict - Some regrets. Some Cherished.

And yet, one can be happy anyway!

In the End.

Max can't get up... but he lies down playfully and whines everytime i take a break from petting him. Max is my cousin's German Shepard. A really magnificent dog who looks almost like a wolf with the heart of a really eccentric loyal human... when he first sees someone he doesn't trust them at all: watching silently from a distance or sometimes even attacking... yet eventually with time (it takes a few days atleast) he starts to warm up to you... and it's strange cos it feels like you were courting a girl and she's suddenly given in... the kinda affection you tend to value more...

So Max is growing old now and has a spinal cord problem that makes him find it painful to walk... it's heartbreaking to see a magnificent, strong beast struggle to simply take a few strides... and that's when sometimes it dawns on you that life changes... it choicelessly moves in a singular direction. always. every moment.

Max will probably get the best treatment, love, care and affection... and recover as well. I really do believe he will.

This post wasn't meant to be about Max. Instead, the point of this post was to essentially point out how every new thing choicelessly moves towards its end in every moment. How every end is as destined as every beginning.

Our close ones will someday pass on. We will too. Relationships we love... will end. Close friends that matter today, may not tomorrow. Endeavors we spend hours upon, will cease to have even a presence... such is the essence of life. It moves on.

Yet, we celebrate most beginnings... and the ends leave us empty. I hate endings. I find them impossible to accept or come to terms with. Nothing seems to matter after...

What then is the point of anything, if it is to definitely, choicelessly, undoubtedly, infinitely, come to a halting, complete obliteration at some point? This single question, leaves me with a haunting loneliness... one of knowing, that I am my only constant.

Alone with change .

And the certain inevitable.

In the end, it's over.


aside - i know i started out wanting to write posts that captured moments of happiness and ones that I wanted to remember to serve as inspiration... but i guess eventually writing about sad emotions has also had its mild healing touch... and so I guess I will give myself the luxury of continuing to do so... I hope you will too :)

Sumitra Akka's Poem for Me

When I left school (way back in '99) a teacher of mine wrote me a poem... She made it on a piece of chart paper and on one side stuck pieces of colourful paper that formed an image that was an abstract fusion of a red indian brave and a bird...

On the other side she wrote...

"Remember - special one,

In the heart

of the warrior

Is a bird fish

Swimming upwards

Searching light

gleaming scales search

Sun and star

So bright, so far - when

Suddenly,

in the blue sky's endless flow

a bird - of dark gold,

and shining wings

and eyes with golden rings - 

In their depths, the bird fish

Softly sings its song

unafraid to be.

Ashwatha,

           Wherever you are, whatever you dream, remember the beautiful bird within you, grand and wise. My love and best wishes will always be with you.

- Sumitra Akka"

In My World, 2011 has been a year of...

New Beginnings...

Well, I did begin to write this blog... I also began working in a completely new job profile and responsibility... I made a few new friends... Some of my friends began new journeys that I was a part of in a small way... I reconnected with lost friends and mentors... There have been some thoughts and ideas that have begun to seed in my head...

But Beginnings almost always seem to have their ends...

Coming to Understand the Things I Value Most...

Family, Friends, Love, Work, Time, Money, Making a Difference, Fitness, Helping, Being Kind and Fair, Being Successful, Nurturing, Supportive, Adventure, Varied Experiences...

Baby Steps Towards the Things I Value...

I try to go home more often and spend more time with my folks. I value Time with them much, much more. I've grown closer to some of my friends... I've become more accommodating while also realizing which of them I value and which I'm not really sure of... I've made a conscious effort to be a positive influence in the world around me (...if you know me, have I been one in your world?)... I may have not done much but I've tried... I've begun sending more money home...

Learning how to Let Go... and How to Hang On

It's been a year that's taught me about insecurity... and being able to try to let go of it. It's been a year that taught me to love and simultaneously not lose sight of my life... It's been a year that's reminded me of how to look out for others before myself... I've been forced to learn to let go of anger, frustration, guilt, vengeance and move on... to forgive, forget and become wiser...

Proud, Special Moments and Small Victories

There have been so many small things that have happened through the year that warm the heart... a friend getting a new job, my sister getting a scholarship, a loan being approved, booking a new car, getting a raise, receiving a random text...

Reduced Random Madness...

There wasn't the seismic volume of madness that surrounded the 'me' of the past few years. It's been a fairly tempered year... The keyword is 'random'... so while it has had its share of call-it-what-you-will, it's been a year that was made of

...Mature, Informed, Patient Choices

Many a time, I've held myself back and thought through a lot of what I did. The 'me' of the past was impulsive and impatient. Choices I've made have usually been thought out and calmly processed... There have been testing times that I've patiently waited through... and others that I've broken down in, and yet somehow found a way to pull through...

But there have also been some

...Mad, Fun, Memorable Times

Bachelor Parties, weekends spent in conversation and laughter, long long nights of celebration, affection and sharing.

*he laughs to himself recollecting some of these*

Injury

Throughout the year, I've been carrying some form of physical injury or the other... and I've tried to fight inertia to stay fit. This I need to do better in the following year.

Better Work

Work over the last few months has been more gratifying than in the past... But i expect more from myself here as well...

... And Life Goes On...


PS - I realize this was a long, verbose and probably boring mail... But I really did write this one entirely for me.

...Perfect Beautiful Love...

So, I haven't blogged in AGES... I've been meaning to on several occasions and have had so much to write about but somehow just didn't...

I've been busy with work (I committed to myself that I wouldn't blog during work no matter how slow my days were... and Voila! Work got challenging and hectic and all that...).

And my life's update in a nutshell: I fell back in love.

Gosh, that sounds mushy... But it's true. Or well, let me rephrase... I realized I loved a special someone...

It's special. To say the least. And it's strange. When you cherish a relationship that way, the very things that sometimes irritate you, often become the things you grow to like...

"...imperfection is the basis of beauty..."

- Me :)

There are moments when one is overcome by this inner sense of belonging and affection (and it is a great feeling). There are moments of strange beauty. There are moments of insecurity. There are others filled with jealousy and disappointment. There are times of happiness. There are times of intimacy... and so much more... pride, confusion, frustration, laughter, temptation, attraction, admiration, warmth, honesty...

And I dare say, it's imperfect. 

It's beautiful. 

It makes me smile... and laugh.

And well, there have also been times that it's made me cry... the whole spectrum.

I won't stand here (well, figuratively speaking...) and glorify it cos that would just be silly. But I will say this... I cherish this love. More than even I thought I did. It makes me want to be a better man. Well, on most days at least. 

And when that kinda love comes along, even the most ardent readers of this blog will forgive me for being distracted. 

Won't you? 

:)

And as far as imperfections and love go... I wouldn't have it any other way!

Dreams...

I rarely ever have dreams that are sweet and pleasant...

In fact sometimes, when I'm really upset or stressed, I'll just wake up and lie awake in bed feeling horrible... But I never have dreams that are really beautiful... the kind that make you smile...

Last night I had a nightmare. Well, technically this morning. It was the kinda dream that inspires horror films. And the thing is, I stay alone... or you could say with my cat. Even so, i'm not one to get spooked. In fact the logical mind kicks in and always seem to rationalize the situation. It's funny though how we never ever seem to get spooked during the day...

I've often wondered why we dream. Sometimes, I've had the strangest dreams that leave behind a taste in the back of one's mouth... a textured sensation in one's breath... or a chill. I've had dreams that've randomly left me disturbed, where I've had to call friends or family to make sure they were ok. Maybe we've all had them...

I wonder why we dream the dreams we dream...

It's kinda ironical then that we use the word 'dream' with aspirations... when possibly it has more to do with fears. I guess I rarely dream... maybe when I sleep, I 'nightmare' more!

So I ask myself what're the things that make me smile when I go to sleep... Or when I wake up... Most of the time, the things that'll make me smile have to do with tiny moments of intimacy... moments that're laugh-out-loud funny... moments that're brilliant and beautiful... moments that're profoundly proud and satisfying... moments that're almost always with friends, family and life. Moments of excellence. These moments are the things that inspire and make one continue to strive...

So, if I wake up with a smile on my face and you find yourself seeing that smile of mine... know that it aint cos I'd a lovely dream. It was cos of you. It is cos of you.

Love, Sex and Dhoka

so I haven't been writing nearly as often as i'd have liked to... but then again, i've been busy focusing on other stuff...

And while i have fleetingly thought about blog posts over the last few weeks, I'm not really sure what i'd write about... but then again, the title sorta rung a bell a few days ago...so it shall be my guiding light!

Love: its an 'ajeeb cheez'... the subtle difference of loving someone and being in love with someone... the subtle difference of feeling someone is yours, the way you would think of your child vs the 'owning' someone in a way that is self indulgent...

as I've grown older i've come to understand love in very many ways... well understand is an entirely wrong word... i guess experienced love in very many ways would be what i mean.

Free will is such an important element in the kinda love i seek. So is respect, admiration, selflessness (well, atleast lack of selfishness...), growth, friendship, fun, laughter, support... I look around and boy, its a little overwhelming to see how one is surrounded by love.

and yet you know how people say the point of life is to be happy... well, i'm not so sure. In fact i think it's not. I think the point of life is actually to experience it. to fully experience it and live it. In every emotion, every challenge, every moment...the silly blurs of childhood, the memory flashes of a college lecture on a rainy day, the sound of the rain, the pain of loss, the drear of forcing yourself to do something your not inclined to, the reassuring hug of a parent, the smell of a loved one's hair and the way it slowly fades from your pillow, the subconscious power of a memory of home cooked food... they all have their place in life.

I guess, in some ways I also think its to strive towards excellence. to attempt to discover that one might actually not have limitations... or atleast to rediscover that they can be pushed everyday. In every aspect of life...

Sex: Oh boy. have we made this a complicated plot. Sex. making Love. Fuck. Doing it. getting it on. being intimate. making out. sex with friends. sex with lovers. sex with strangers. sex with yourself. sex over the phone. sex with acquaintances. sex with girls whom you cant recall. sex with girls whom you'll never forget! sex that's carnal. sex that's spiritual. sex that's emotional. sex that's even experimental!

Bottom-line, I'm really a one-woman type of guy. But evolution didn't really give a shit. and well she (read that 'one woman') seems to be a little busy and elusive at the moment.

so every kind of experience still seems to have it's place. N i love it. N i yearn for more.

Dhoka: we always speak about honesty being the bottomline in relationships, work ethic and life. But maybe sometimes honesty is just a way of washing off the guilt.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, one cheats on one's spouse. Let's say one realizes one's folly. Let's say one genuinely repents. Is one morally inclined (from a karmic point of view as well) to be honest and confess? the argument for one to be honest is clear. But on the other hand, maybe one is purely doing so out of an inability to lump it and carry that bag of bricks called guilt, and hence chooses honesty, but is actually JUST hurting the other person. One has realized one's folly. One has felt lousy. One still loves one's partner... so what does telling the other person achieve? The truth be told, one will never really know unless one tells... but then again, the 'why' should come before the act no? There's so many aspects to the truth as well...

so yeah, I'm not so convinced. But telling the truth does feel nice sometimes. Especially when you don't have to deal with guilt. Especially when you're forgiven. Especially when it liberates.
But then again, the point of life isn't just to feel happy is it?

Bring in the jury. They've reached their verdict. And ye shall be Guilty. As charged.

:)

for the kids...

When one lives on the streets, I guess life can be hard. I’ve often wondered what kind of self-belief and character people who beg for a living would be made of. I really don’t have a judgment on the issue since I have never faced anything even remotely close to the questions/situations life poses to them.

I made a personal choice to never give beggars money. On my way to work, at a particular traffic signal there’s a bunch of street kids that I buy food for occasionally. They crowd around the car and pester me on most days… on most days I decline but occasionally I’ll allow them into the car. Excitedly they jump in and the ruckus begins. With squeals for the music to be turned louder to the air-conditioning to be redirected, the sheer thrill is palpable… they speak to me in hindi but amongst themselves in strange tongues mixed with Marathi... looking around to see if any of their friends are watching and wave and scream out to them even though the windows are up… the naiveté and easy happiness of children is almost always wonderful to see… Though these kids getting into the car at a traffic signal must often make for a suspicious or curious sight for passers-by.

On this rainy day (today), two of em jumped in… and they were shivering from being soaked to the bone. They wanted chai to keep em warm. So as we went off in the direction of the chai stall they continued to shiver… at the chai stall I gave them money for chai and vada pav (as I didn’t want to get down and there was a lot of traffic) and then even gave them some more money to buy themselves cheap raincoats. I hope they buy them and don’t use the money for anything else. Even if they do, I guess I’ll buy em raincoats again.

I wonder what kinda people they will become as they grow up. Having bought them meals, and on occasion footwear and raincoats, I’ve somehow become attached to them in a tiny small way even though on most days they feel like pests… yet I’ve tiny dreams for them… that they would not stay on the streets for long… that they would not become beggars or prostitutes or thieves or drug addicts… that they would be happy. Though I don’t really do much to actually change any of that.

I watch from the sidelines.

I’m not sure I would do this if it didn’t make me feel good about me. So I’m not being altruistic or anything. In many ways I do it for me. Also I’m not even making a serious attempt or sacrifice at my end. But I know I do want to give back in my own small way. I hope to do that someday. Unselfishly.

And therein lies an irony. There really is no such thing as a true act of kindness. As the charming woman once said, “Cest La Vie”...

Nevertheless, I hope they’re wearing raincoats morrow. And better still, for their sake, I hope it doesn’t even rain.

The Banana Peel, the Stepping Stone and the Ones that got away...

1. One night, in a club, I saw a guy walk upto a girl and start talking to her. She seemed to step back. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to step in and play my game... I walked upto her and said "hey, sorry I'm late", pretending to be her friend and thinking she'd play along to ward off the guy and then we'd laugh about it like Hitch... BUT (to my astonishment, i may add) they just stared at me and walked away. Was a different league of embarrassing...
2. During college, I'd tell my friends I was 'quitting' smoking every morning yet in a few hours/days would be puffing away on a cigarette that I'd taken from them...
3. All my professors felt it was a given that I'd get into IIT, yet when i wrote the entrance exam, during the Math (my forte) paper, i didn't know the answer to virtually anything. Clueless. Yet, i was still hopeful. Needless to say, I didn't make it into even one of them.
4. Yet I spent 4 years wasted away studying engineering... something i realized very very soon that i didn't want to be... and then another year preparing for the next career choice... 5 years in whole of time wasted from a 'career' perspective...
5. I've cheated on women...
6. I once told a girl she was fat... (BIG mistake!)
7. I've had my fair share of heartbreak...
8. I've failed miserably. On so many occasions...

Life will always throw these challenges at you. And no matter how good you are, you will fail. You will make choices you regret. You will get hurt, embarrassed, ridiculed, stomped over, bullied, lied to, betrayed and so much more... 

(yes, eeeeeeeeven the occasional sexual rejection! I know, that's unfair, but it's been known to happen...)

But I guess a good boxer is one who knows how to take a punch and get back on his feet... It's one of the things that often gives us the most amount of satisfaction... when you look back.

Today, when i look back at my failures, I most often look at them without the pain that accompanied them at those times. Yet, when i first encountered them and sometimes for times that followed, they hurt. They were demoralizing.

But I always got back on my feet. That day always came. That day will come. Always. As long as you believe it will. There is no blow from which you wont heal, no cut too deep, no abyss too dark... blah, blah...

As the song goes, "The sun'll come out Tomorrow, So ya gotta hang on, 'Til tomorrow, Come what may...Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're  only a day away!"

I am not lost. I am here. Hear me roar!

...imperfections...

There's a funny thing that alway seems to happen to me when i'm really fond of someone... it's their imperfections and the usually irritating stuff that would've normally gotten to me, that suddenly starts becoming the stuff you miss about them...

The first time you meet these people these things make you look at them with a little bit of caution... how someone gets really crazy when they're hungry... how someone has certain marks or scars on their body... how someone squints or lisps... their high pitched laughter or the silly things that used to make them laugh... how someone fusses over you... how they'd never wake up... how someone always has a piece of advice for every occasion... how they complain bout your driving... stretch marks... how someone always tested your patience... how someone always has some rubbish response to anything you say... how someone always annoyingly knew what you were thinking with one glance at your face... the tiny hairs on someone's back...

whatever it was... somehow as you get to know them... these things tend to become the very things that you adore about them... the things that make you feel all warm and silly as you think back... foolish little memories...

Reminds me of a scene from 'Good Will Hunting'... it's fab... you have check it out, click here... 

(aside - i have to watch that movie again sometime soon)

the little private things that you cant replace... the small things... the idiosyncrasies... and strangely, the imperfections...

She's all grown up!

I still remember the first time i saw my little sister. She was pink! No let me correct myself. She was PINK!!! Like i didn't know anyone could be thaaaaat pink. She looked straight out of a drawing! And i remember thinking to myself "uh, oh... that's my sis???".

I remember so many times with her as we grew up...  how while she was a baby i used to slowly sway her around while constantly talking to her as my voice reached a crescendo and she'd do her baby-giggle, how we'd fight over the remote while watching TV, how once i made her cry while trying to teach her math and then felt horrible about it, how she sometimes likes to hug me in her sleep but i always push her away, how she used to wake up crying everytime i used to leave home for college (to the extent that i stopped saying bye cos i'd always leave with a heavy heart anyways), how she always used to run away from a photo (to the extent that i'd only pics of her asleep in my room), how she called me when she got really high at a party and was scared cos she hadn't been that high before, times i've cried with her and times i've spent watching her grow up and face her challenges bravely... and so many times more...

Sometime ago I had gone to Bangalore (I hate calling it 'Bengaluru') for a friend's wedding and was gonna stay with my sis for a bit as well... as i got to her place we chatted for a while and i was informed chicken had been made (by the maid) for me specially! So after a little chilling we all sat down to dinner to discover the chicken had gone horribly wrong (hahahahaha...was super funny cos it was virtually completely raw!) and my sister was so pissed with her maid as she took the chicken into the kitchen and we began cooking it some more... we watched a movie and mid-way fell asleep...

In the morning she woke up early, made me breakfast and left for college. When i woke up i was alone... I remember looking around her room. I remember being completely overwhelmed... here i was, in my little sister's apartment, being taken care of by her. There was an immense sense of pride. I cried. Little bit.

My baby sis... wasn't anywhere close to a baby anymore!

So much about her stood out from being anywhere close to average. She'd grown into someone who was such a strong, distinct and unique individual.

Here's a pic of what she made me for breakfast that morning... it was really nice. Honest.

:)

Saved! (part Uno)

i've a few texts on my phone that i've saved... they make me smile, some crack me up, some make me feel fuzzy...

so i felt like i'd share em with you...
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Comrade AB

The bosses decided to throw a party for the entire company one evening... no, this wasn't a casual, spur-of-the-moment party but rather an official (but still spur-of-the-moment) party... so spur-of-the-moment that they did not realize that we'd a 10 AM with none other than the Big B the next morning... but anyhoo, with date, venue decided and booked, and arrangements done twas decided to plough ahead and part-ayyyy anyways... after all, this was the film business... and what was doing a meeting with a little hangover?

So, yours truly decided to make a night of it... and proceeded to get 'wooooohoooooo-plastered'! It was a fun night filled with booze (in copious amounts and diverse mixtures) and dancing... concluded by being driven home by a driver (rather, a valet who found himself spontaneously hired with an offer the he could not refuse...) at about 3 AM...

10:15 AM : our hero (myself) wakes up with shock (and with pain like twas caused by a nuclear device that may have gone off in his head) to the sound of the phone ringing in the distance...traces the sound to his jeans lying on the floor near the door in panic to see 8 missed calls from both the bosses!!! Heart stops! AB sr. meeting! fuck fuck fuck fuck... fuckity fucked!!!

Breathe... maybe they're late and i can still make it.

screw the morning tea, screw the dump, screw washing my face...in a jiffy the jeans are on, the mouth has been gargled with mouthwash (screw the teeth brushing!), two more missed calls have been ignored, shoes have been slipped on and as I put on the first shirt i got my hands on, i'm rushing out the door when i realize that i forgot my phone... get in, get it and rush out... on my way to the car i look through my messages and this text came through from one of the bosses (who is usually an absolute tyrant)... it still cracks me up everytime!


"Due to excess fraternising with our friend from russia comrade L.s Smirnoff, I have pushed the meeting with comrade AB. Long live the party... Hindi russi bhai bhai."


So the next day (to when the meeting had been rescheduled), when we did meet Big B, he looked at me as he came in and in his baritone voice asked "How're you feeling today Ashoo?" and as he noticed the puzzled expression on my face continued to, "I heard you were unwell yesterday..."

...beat...
...beat...

"urmmmm... feeling better Amitji", sorta just stumbled out of my mouth...

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Guru and Damu

It was the first few months of engineering and it'd become popular knowledge among the entire hostel that i had pretty much anything one would need in my room...Being the only room with a carpet (which i'd lugged all the way from chennai! Insane i was, i tell you) and a wardrobe that consisted of more than 25 shirts (it seemed like there was some rule that prohibited having more - i obviously didn't read the memo!) it got a fair amount of attention... mostly unwanted, since way back then, i actually wanted to study (a shocker, i know)! But with homemade lemonade concentrate and sweets available almost always the confines of my room proved far too tempting for most. One such evening i heard my bell ring and there stood Guru Rajeev with the most nonchalant expression on his face... we were acquaintances at the time. Rajeev walks in, pretends to say hello and then walks to my closet, picks out my hairbrush, brushes his hair, uses some hairspray, styles it, looks into my closet for a nice shirt, decides there wasn't any better than the one he was already wearing, generously sprays himself with my deodorant and walks out telling me was late for a hot date!!! 

This is my earliest memory of Rajeev. And I've sooooo many since then... Just thinking bout him makes me crack up and feel fuzzy. Once Rajeev, Sumesh and Chetan had come to the hostel piss drunk and we bumped into each other at the stairs... now these guys had been soooooo drunk that Chetan was tripping bout how everything felt like one was in Mars. And when we met, Chetan came upto me and said "Hi. I'm Chetan from Earth...who are you?". Instinctively, I replied, "Hi. I'm Ashoo, from Mars! Pleasure to meet you." :D ...still cracks me up!

With Damu, i remember waking up at "the boys' house" one morning and seeing him there smoking a navy cut. He'd arrived really late the previous night/early in the morning and taken one of the guys (who was still asleep) out to drink, gotten him drunk, and eventually so drunk that the guy had even thrown up but Damu had continued to remain awake... Months later Damu would tell me he'd come back to Manipal under extraordinary circumstances and with dire plans in mind which he would soon abandon. I also remember riding my bike with Damu behind me and telling him how i had just broken up with the girl i loved... Another really funny early memory (early being the key here, since we eventually became housemates and spent a lotta time together) of Damu was a night at 'Sphinx'. During the same phase when i'd been completely torn apart emotionally by the heartbreak of this relationship ending, (this was during the early days of the heartbreak when one hasn't had too much time to linger upon it yet but one feels the tearing need to just re-engage with life), me and Damu had gone to Manipal's only nightclub at the time 'Sphinx' one night. It was a fairly empty night but we'd already had a few drinks and were doing pretty fly... got on the floor and doing my thing by myself when Damu signaled to me that two women on the floor were vying for my attention... but i really couldn't be bothered and continued to do my own thing... eventually one of the girls actually came upto me and asked me to dance with her! They were American girls of Indian origin, pretty looking and it would've been ruuuuuuuude of me to say no... and being the gentleman that i am, i obliged! and then well, i did a few things that decent people would not do in public (that too on an empty dance floor) to this consenting girl... i can't recall her name... But i do remember how much me and Damu laughed about the incident... but funnily, i was still so heartbroken at the time and this incident really changed nothing in that regard. Damu helped me get over the pain, patiently being there for me through all the emotional downswings. I was there for him too on several occasions and have also done for him what no other man has (this cracks me up completely...but forgive me for i cannot say more... even 'we', shall have our secrets... but do not be offended for it is not merely mine to share or withhold)!

Damu and Rajeev are today probably among a very small group of guy friends to whom i've said the words "I love you bro"! We were all part of a larger group of fantastic friends - one of the best gang of buddies I've ever had the privilege of being a part of... each in his own way has been a fantastic friend to me... as good as anyone can ever hope for. And whenever we're together or talk on the phone we laugh like the silly stoners that we once were. They're both married (Rajeev even recently had a baby girl and Damu's wife is 4 months pregnant!), live in the 'foreign', doing fabulously well for themselves and somehow we manage to keep the warmth and camaraderie going. No matter how long it's been, every time we connect, that love and connection still seems to be there. We've soooooo many stories, sooooo many silly times and soooo many memories.... from stealing lingerie neon signs and giving em expired condoms during emergencies (yes, they do have expiry dates btw) to getting stoned and drunk and laughing till our stomachs hurt and consequently daring and witnessing em trying to enter a 5 star restaurant with nothing on but a dirty old wafer thin towel (!!!), we've had some really awesome times.

Often when i find myself upset and without people close by, i feel like reaching out to these guys. They've stood by me on many occasions and have helped through so many difficult times. And we've had some silly silly funny funny memorable times together. 

It's great to have buddies. Especially ones that will be there for you in some way or the other, no matter what. Ones that time, circumstance and life find very difficult to take away.

I guess sometimes to find friends as these, you just have to go looking on Mars!

Swimming with the Whale...

When I was 11 months old or so, i'd a very mild attack of Polio on my left leg and as a result I'd to undergo lots and lots of physiotherapy... so dad would spend hours taking me to the park on walks, massaging my left foot, making me do several exercises and lotsa other stuff... and i groaned and grumbled through it all...

When I look back at the sheer time and effort dad physically put in to making me strong, it never ceases to make me feel special and kinda 'fuzzy'.

As part of my physiotherapy, I was thrown into a pool when I was around 18 months old and was a pretty good swimmer at a very young age itself... but i really didn't like it much at all. So every evening after our swim dad would take me to the pastry shop at the Connemara Hotel (which was the fancy 5 star hotel where we used to swim... and believe you me for the humble means that we had at the time, all of this was more than pampering and luxury...but he still used to do it... to make me happy!)  where'd i'd always have the pineapple pastry or to McRennett's bakery where i'd always have the apple cake... and then for dinner he'd send me Chicken Tangdi Kebab and Palak (in ashoo-baby-language known as 'leg piece' and 'green thing') from his restaurant 'Serai'...

I loved it!

One of the sweetest memories is how everyday as we came towards the end of our swimming session i'd get treated to a ride... the 'whale' ride... so tiny me would lie on dad's large hairy back and cling on to his neck. We'd start at the shallow end and he would swim above the water but just as we reached the middle of the pool he'd warn me... "we're going down", he'd say and i'd take the largest breath possible and we'd go underwater... with me holding on for dear life as i got dragged below... i can still remember being filled with excitement and glee like a little child... well, i was a little child! :)

And i remember the sheer anticipation of this ride almost every time we took to the pool... which was soon followed by the anticipation of the pastry!

The small things in life... will always be special. And sometimes, even covered with icing! :D