The Bitter-Sweet Emptiness of the Adultery that Never was

He dreamt of her, laughing through the sunshine of the day,

But woke up next to someone else...

He may have whispered sweet nothings as they slept,

Which were never heard...

The Emptiness, it has it's Place...
And what an Irony that is...

They'd laughed like mad children,
At the way that they'd know what each was thinking,
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But now the sounds that're heard are of intoxicated voices
Flush with lies and temporary meaning.

The heart wants, what it cannot have.

So i'm sorta reviving an old post (that I didn't post since I didn't wanna seem defeatist). And it's not really how i feel at this point. But it was/has been how i felt a few days ago...

I used to feel like less of a man, the morning after. Which is the exact opposite of how I should've felt. I guess it doesn't matter and I know it'll change.... when it does. There was a need to drift along in intoxicated spirits and cheer ... and there was a need to 'get on with it' and put life in place with sobriety (it a pattern!).

I know it's gonna be great again. There might be a little emptiness today, but it's a lot less than what i felt a few days ago. And it shall pass. Bit by bit. Mile by mile.

I do feel better already. Bring on life!

The Upside of Endings and Goodbyes...

Life comes with it's share of farewells and adieus. Choicelessly.

I can't say I know a single person who hasn't felt tragic pain and loss in these circumstances. Some of us deal with it better than others.

I dont take well to farewells. In fact, it seems pointless that everything must come to an end - if that's what's gonna happen, then why even begin? Why struggle? Why celebrate?

Well, honestly I don't know. It sometimes feels like we just need to be pre-occupied. Like we're not supposed to ask about why we're going on a journey but go along anyway. Yet strangely, life is like that... as surely as it starts, it will end. And so must everything.

But I realized something about endings - that they challenge you and force you to evolve and find new meaning. To somehow find a way out of the pain you feel to experience something new that will eventually carve a new meaning in your life.

And one day, you will say bye to that too. Deja Vu!

Yet, there is always endless beauty in each of these. Its great to have moments to cherish.

Texting the Universe

I've so many things to be thankful for... family, friends, career, fair amount of wealth, comfort, intelligence (I'd like to think in abundance!), a nurturing atmosphere, charm, luck and so so much more.

I hate to crib. I really do... so please do think of this as more of a confession...

There's a tiny emptiness inside of me. It sorta seems to grow inside of me on some days and on others it wanes. On its bad days, it has a way of sapping the juice of life... on others, it kinda sugars into the milk...

Or am i exaggerating? I dont know.

But, I'd like it to go. Disappear altogether.

I just wanted you to know...

And once again, thank you so so much.

2013: Resolutions

I sit here looking at the almost blank screen, while wondering what I should write about and it seems like an apt time to make some resolutions.

The weird part about resolutions is that one always end up breaking them. But i'm gonna try anyways. So, here goes...

• Consciously do one good deed everyday - however small or big... and this could be anything from sending a sweet text to an old friend to helping someone with change...but the idea is to consciously program myself to help and do good deeds so that it floats into my subconscious eventually
• Get even more healthy - I want to lose some more weight, increase my stamina, build better body resilience, cut down on the amount of alcohol I drink, develop better food habits and try to avoid weekend binging.
• Moderation - I've always been someone who tries things in extremes - I'd like to get a sense of moderation in my life...
• Listen - I sometimes get carried away with my own thoughts that i forget to listen. I need to find a way of capturing both given my inability to multi-task...
• Patience - I would like to be more patient. Especially with the people I love dearly...
• Save - I need to begin to save a certain amount of money every month... however small or big, I just want to get into the habit of having a contingency plan for a rainy day.

Basically, 2013, I'd like to be a better man. 

Show me how.

If...

If I was richer... 

I'd travel a whole lot more.

If I was wiser...

I'd save a little bit more.

If I was better looking...

An actor I'd be.

If I could sing...

I'd waste my time seducing women...

If I hadn't gotten Polio...

An athlete I'd have become? Or maybe not.

If I wasn't as intelligent...

I would've been unbearably annoying!

If I was smarter...

I'd have made more money.

If I hadn't been so uncool as a kid...

I wouldn't have done the crazy things I did as an adult!

If I had more guts...

I'd actually find a cause worth fighting for... and fight for it.

If I had more guts...

A politician/activist I'd become.

If I was stronger...

I'd never be lonely.

If I had more passion...

An out-of-work stage actor I'd be...

If I had less ambition...

A stoned, out-of-work stage actor I'd be...

If I had less insecurity...

I'd feel a lot younger.

.....

If I wasn't me...

I wouldn't be.

.....

When is it time to say goodbye...

Max's (my cousin's German Shepherd) hind legs and sometimes even his front legs are giving away. He is hardly able to walk even with a harness support and needs to be carried most of the time. In fact, at times he doesn't even seem to control his body...

As I sat there besides him, just stroking him to sleep, I began to cry. Max was a special dog to me... the first few times I was around him I had to be watchful cos he was known to be 'dangerous' and protective of his environment. He'd watch me silently from a corner in the room, his dark wolf-like face never breaking it's icy observance of my every move... And he'd do all this while Oscar (the other German Shepherd) jumped about happily to be petted and played with... Max was the friend who took time to commit, who's loyalty was rock solid, who took time be won-over... and it was a special feeling when we did eventually become friends... It wasn't easy. It was never taken for granted - he wouldn't let you. If you didn't visit for a while, he too would ignore you for a bit when you visited... Everytime he'd purr like a baby, I'd get really happy to see this beast turn into a puppy with me...

But today, he lay before me, unable to walk... breathing heavily. Max might actually need to be put to sleep if he doesn't improve. But I could tell, he still loved the petting that I was giving him. He kept licking me gently.

I don't know when it is time to say goodbye - to various things in life. People, relationships, work environments, places... I hate them. I can't seem to understand the point of building a bond, when you have to also let it go... and I don't know how some people do it so easily.

I'm not sure where one crosses the line between being a support to someone by holding on TO being a burden and refusing to see the inevitable. I don't know when one crosses the line between being a believer and a fighter TO a fool and a romantic.

Life's taught me that the right time to let go is when you really believe that it is in the best interest of the people concerned. Inherently, I'm a believer and a fighter. I won't give up. I won't let go of hope. But now I often ask myself, what's better for the other person...

Max, please don't give up. There's so much more life left in you...

A lil post mid-way EVAL: Bucketlist '12

I've retained the original post in almost its entirety but have also added my evaluation of each wish with an underscore and a Verdict...

to start of with...

So, you kinda get caught up in the minutes, hours, nights, days, weeks, months and soon time has flashed by... You've spent a whole load of time doing several things but when you look back you somehow often find yourself saying, "hmmmmm, why didn't I ever do *that thing* when I wanted to?"

And one more often than rarely, doesn't seem to have an answer... So here's to putting down a list of objectives and thoughts for the year...

(Universe, you better be listening :)))))

Things that I wanna make sure I do/happen/work towards this year -

• a skydiving course - not just a single tandem jump but to actually do a decent course that actually teaches me a bit about it. I've always been fascinated by how it must feel... I remember jumping off the highest diving board at a few pools (which sometimes were almost 4 stories high) even when I was a kid... the acceleration... the rush! 
• well the skydiving course won't happen as yet but I will in all probability go for a paragliding course... In fact I was supposed to go for one with dad in august but unfortunately due to bad weather the entire schedule got canceled... but hey, atleast i'm halfway there... Progress
• baby steps towards building something or involving myself in something that'll make a difference -  it's been one of my life goals to find a way to make a genuine difference. I know it gives me a lot of satisfaction to be able to influence change in a positive way... In many ways it feels like one of the reasons one is put on this planet. 
• so far, nothing. I hate the fact that I haven't. I need to. Fail!
• sorting out if this is the career I want for myself... I'm doing fairly well for myself. But i don't feel like i'm doing enough or getting the opportunity to. I expected/expect more from myself. i need to rethink things and really figure... This is my year of choice. 
• so far this seems like a genuine step in the right direction, more than anything since it simply seems like there is potential. Progress
• to get a flat stomach - I always had this. Somehow a few years back a few inches found their grip. They have got to go. Otherwise i'm still fairly fit... 
• I've lost 8 kilos in 4.5 months... and that's just overall weight. I've probably lost a lot more fat which has been compensated by muscle gain. I love that I've been able to get back into shape. I'd like to lose a few more kilos and get those washboard abs. However, today, even I'd do me! Achievement... but still more to go.
• travel with my parents - I wanna take my parents somewhere or send them on an international vacation if I can't go... would be super if they agreed to go visit my sis in the US... 
• well we went on a couple of vacations but the US etc seems a little bit out of my financial reach at the moment... Baby steps
• to spend more time with my parents and with my sister... 
• I've spent so much more time this year with my folks that it's been an absolute pleasure. i could still spend more time and patience with my sister though... Progress
• to move into a beautiful, slightly bigger apartment... and to collect art and beautiful things... to make my environment filled with lotsa things one can just look at and admire... to create and allow myself to soak in and appreciate an environment of beauty... 
• well done! *Pat on back*!
• to make some real money... not sure how. But I really need to figure this out... i need to figure out some alternative business plans as well... some passion projects maybe... 
• work in progress
• I think I'd like to be in a steady, loving, sharing, involved, respectful, genuine relationship... I'm not really desperate for it and very happy to wait till it happens... and for sure don't need it to happen within a timeline... But I think I'm ready - and that's sorta relatively new. I'd also like to be continue to be totally happy in the absence of one... 
• phew. tough one. I think i met her n we had a good thing goin but we both messed it up. It seems like it's done but i do still love her. Flaws galore. Indestructible bonds. *makes grunting indistinct frustrated sounds*
• save... I've never actually kept aside money for anything... I kinda just used it as I pleased. While i've never been terrrrrribly broke, I think the time has come for me to learn to put aside some money on a regular basis... What I choose to use it for is fairly flexible though... 
• somewhat... by sending money home... Progress

Not too bad. 

We've come a long way baby...

Nobody Gets It All Right...

There are things in life, we regret but we still probably would wanna go through them again - cos we learnt valuable lessons... n there are those that we wish we could change - even if we did learn from them...

This is about a bit of both...

So, if I could change things about my life, what would I change... and what would I go through anyway...

• Polio - while I never really had to deal with the effects of having been affected by Polio by myself (my upbringing kinda conditioned me to such an extent that it was a non-issue in my own head), it has occasionally made me wonder if I would've been a supreme athlete. The truth is, its impossible to know, maybe I worked hard to compensate. But, it has been a gift of sorts... has given me a lot of confidence and self belief that there is no such thing as a handicap - credit for this almost entirely goes to my folks for bringing me up the way they did.
• Verdict - Go through anyway! (Sorry Michael Jordan, we can be team-mates in another life...)
• Infidelity - I've been intensely romantically involved with 3 women, and for various reasons been unfaithful to each of them in various degrees... and various shades of stupidity. I really loved/love each one of them deeply. I wish I could turn back the pain I've caused them. 
• Verdict - Rewind. Erase. Make it up to em. Wasn't worth it. Change.
• Impatience - at various times, I've been terribly impatient with the people I love dearly. From teaching my darling sister Mathematics to having the patience to listen to well-meaning advice from mum... I kinda didn't try hard enough.
• Verdict - Should've. Could've. Change.
• Career Choice - so I entered the 'movie business' cos I loved watching movies and sorta had been trained by coincidence in business skills. But eventually, I fell out with the 'business' of filmmaking... or well, atleast it lost some of it's magic. It still does inspire and is gratifying at times, atleast more than I imagine other jobs would be. Also now I've a great set of colleagues going - it helps! But I always dreamt, i'd make more money than I am, quicker than I am. Maybe, I should've followed my skill with science or payed with numbers a little more... Stock broker maybe? But it isn't all about the money - definitely not.
• Verdict - Jury Hung.
• Creepy Puberty-ish Stuff - as a kid i've done some random creepy stuff that i wish i never did.
• Verdict - Erase.
• Being "out-there" - No explanations.
• Verdict - Some regrets. Some Cherished.

And yet, one can be happy anyway!

Happy stuff = Important stuff

I just watched 'Barfi!' and i absolutely loved it. Movies like that make me very very jealous and sometimes even a little dejected (not today though) - cos those are the reason I got into this line of work... and yet I have very little to do with them.

But I digress.

It made me think about how very often we end up complicating life and eventually making a mess out of it by occupying ourselves with things that really wont give us happiness or fulfillment or growth in any (worthwhile) manner. And its often these silly complications that leave us bitter and miserable. Not necessarily always... but often.

Hence, I figured it'd be  nice to put down a bunch of things that possibly make me happy (or Barfi!) - 

Unconditional Love 

it's awesome. Can't be replaced. Don't ever take it for granted.

Great Friends 

n i don't mean it in the narrow sense of how one classifies 'friends' but more as people who contribute to your life...

Make a Difference. Contribute. 

if you can't make it a better place, you're part of the problem.

Experience Life 

people talk about traveling while often forgetting to enjoy the simple pleasures and beauty in their everyday life. A cup of coffee in the morning. A smile. Graffiti. The sky. The smell of shampoo. Appreciate. Love. Face fear. Fall. Rise. Leap. Make mistakes. And then some more.

Evolve 

Absorb. Reflect. Wrestle. Flow. Grow. Strive. Fly. Stretch.

Stay Loyal. Stay Strong 

it's important to believe in something.

No one gets it all right. But, lots of people are happy anyway.

I gotta keep telling myself... Happy Stuff = Important Stuff.