Lost My Voice

So, it feels like it's been a while since I blogged...

And i do have my reasons... which are that I've kinda been swimming with a whole bunch of conflicting emotions, thoughts, philosophies and experiences... And somehow within this madness I haven't found any real sense of perspective that i'm comfortable with.

In some ways, I've grown a little weary and tired. I know i'm being REALLY vague... though it's not really in the specifics but more in the vast elusive general energy and motivation I feel... So, instead of fighting it and pushing my way through the mire, I kinda have just given up. Yet, I tread on...

Foolishness happens. Sadness sometimes. Elation at others. Work seems to be going well - it distracts. And surrounded by confusion it appears.

Yet it feels like there is a calm that lurks secretively in the shadows. Watching. Silently.

I lay back.

My Hands are on the Wheel...

But I don't know where this road leads...
There's a tune in my head,
And a different song on the radio...

The road, it turns a suddenly... and then again, slowly.

I hit a bump,
I lose control...
My hands tense. Its still an unfamiliar feeling...

The sun, it rises in the distance. The wheels ease across the expanse...

The rearview shows a green pasture,
The path, blurry, is yet placid, in the warm, easy glow of dawn's mist,
I glance again at the rearview... a rabbit hops about, happy in the grass. The tyres turn...

I Smile. The song changes. The memories are happy. Hope is alive.
I guess I'd do it all over again.
My Hands are on the Wheel...

Bucketlist '12

So, you kinda get caught up in the minutes, hours, nights, days, weeks, months and soon time has flashed by... You've spent a whole load of time doing several things but when you look back you somehow often find yourself saying, "hmmmmm, why didn't I ever do *that thing* when I wanted to?"

And one more often than rarely, doesn't seem to have an answer... So here's to putting down a list of objectives and thoughts for the year...

(Universe, you better be listening :)))))

Things that I wanna make sure I do/happen/work towards this year -

• a skydiving course - not just a single tandem jump but to actually do a decent course that actually teaches me a bit about it. I've always been fascinated by how it must feel... I remember jumping off the highest diving board at a few pools (which sometimes were almost 4 stories high) even when I was a kid... the acceleration... the rush!
• baby steps towards building something or involving myself in something that'll make a difference -  it's been one of my life goals to find a way to make a genuine difference. I know it gives me a lot of satisfaction to be able to influence change in a positive way... In many ways it feels like one of the reasons one is put on this planet.
• sorting out if this is the career I want for myself... I'm doing fairly well for myself. But i don't feel like i'm doing enough or getting the opportunity to. I expected/expect more from myself. i need to rethink things and really figure... This is my year of choice.
• to get a flat stomach - I always had this. Somehow a few years back a few inches found their grip. They have got to go. Otherwise i'm still fairly fit...
• travel with my parents - I wanna take my parents somewhere or send them on an international vacation if I can't go... would be super if they agreed to go visit my sis in the US...
• to spend more time with my parents and with my sister...
• to move into a beautiful, slightly bigger apartment... and to collect art and beautiful things... to make my environment filled with lotsa things one can just look at and admire... to create and allow myself to soak in and appreciate an environment of beauty...
• to make some real money... not sure how. But I really need to figure this out... i need to figure out some alternative business plans as well... some passion projects maybe...
• I think I'd like to be in a steady, loving, sharing, involved, respectful, genuine relationship... I'm not really desperate for it and very happy to wait till it happens... and for sure don't need it to happen within a timeline... But I think I'm ready - and that's sorta relatively new. I'd also like to be continue to be totally happy in the absence of one...
• save... I've never actually kept aside money for anything... I kinda just used it as I pleased. While i've never been terrrrrribly broke, I think the time has come for me to learn to put aside some money on a regular basis... What I choose to use it for is fairly flexible though...

Angler Banega Kya Fisherman? (2002)

I took a lift,

onto a sailing ship,

to become a fisherman 

out in the ocean

instead of an angler

sitting in the backwater.

So there I was with

bait in one hand

and rod in the other

with all around staring in wonder!

As they cast their net

into the water

they caught little frightened 

fish, woken from slumber.

So I called out to a man,

"Yo, can I give ya a hand?"

He turned around with friendly 

eyes and said, "You bet man!"

He gave me a net

which I cast into the sea

but caught no little fish

unlike he!

No need to bait,

No need to wait,

Just throw and watch the show

when the net comes over the bow.

Stubborn, I cast my net again,

And believe me, this fish was plain,

I looked at it and without a thought,

Sold that fish for... nought.

The fisherman, they fished 

to survive, but

funnily, as an angler,

I enjoyed more pleasure.

So fishing, as you can see

is not for me

Coz I like a fish that's alive

And not afraid to take a dive.

Someday, I hope to be

an Angler out at sea,

sailing back home

with my fish beside me!

Sumitra Akka's Poem for Me

When I left school (way back in '99) a teacher of mine wrote me a poem... She made it on a piece of chart paper and on one side stuck pieces of colourful paper that formed an image that was an abstract fusion of a red indian brave and a bird...

On the other side she wrote...

"Remember - special one,

In the heart

of the warrior

Is a bird fish

Swimming upwards

Searching light

gleaming scales search

Sun and star

So bright, so far - when

Suddenly,

in the blue sky's endless flow

a bird - of dark gold,

and shining wings

and eyes with golden rings - 

In their depths, the bird fish

Softly sings its song

unafraid to be.

Ashwatha,

           Wherever you are, whatever you dream, remember the beautiful bird within you, grand and wise. My love and best wishes will always be with you.

- Sumitra Akka"

Making Space...

I've often heard people speak of the power of positive thinking... In my opinion positive thoughts are fantastically fragile. Sometimes virtually powerless against negativity, insecurity, distrust and inertia... Defeatist thinking and painful emotions are funnily extremely powerful.

Remember the last time you got over a lack of trust in a jiffy? On the other hand, remember how easily you lost your grasp over any good thing?

In the last few days i've had the pleasure of interacting with a couple of people whom i've felt have somehow been able to make the universe 'move' and 'make space' for them and their dreams with their positivity, diligence and honesty. Both were hugely inspiring in their own way.

So the concept of 'cosmic timing' seems to have found its way into my head (well actually one of em might have planted it there...). Ever noticed how when you're in the best frame of mind, you tend to meet the most vibrant and interesting people?

I've begun to believe that there possibly is such a thing as 'cosmic timing'... that the 'universe' (or call it what-you-will - god, energy, a higher power etc) will somehow magically change to figure things out for you when you're somehow able to ________________

Sorry, i don't really have the answers as to what you need to be able to do to make the universe your buddy, but... I'd like to share some of the common threads I found in both these people...

• they both loved what they were doing in life
• they both actively pursued things that gave them happiness - and they worked hard in these pursuits
• they were somehow magically structured while also being instinctive - they had structured their lives in a way that allowed for them to be instinctive
• their approach to life was simplified... 'I will always do what makes me happy and stay honest to myself'... 
• neither was remotely lazy. Neither was afraid to take responsibility for their mistakes. Neither had it easy...
• they were both in good health and fit
• they were fantastically vibrant - to the point of being inspiring

I know it sounds rather simplistic... but somehow it makes me happy to just think like this.

Reminds me of these scenes from my favourite SRK movie (and i like only a few)... scene 1 (with english subtitles) and scene 2 (after he gets reincarnated)...

The possibilities seem limitless... 

Be a Man! Really???

Be a man...

Really? Ladies... You sure don't make it easy.

1. Paying the bill - wtf!!! who made this ridiculous rule? Like, what was going through 'her' head! and by god, don't be fooled by the 'No, I insist on going dutch' rubbish - she'll just think you're cheap if you agree!
2. PMS - no seriously. We'd like one week in a month to walk around being crabby and shouting at everyone for no reason - AND then pretend like we're right!
3. Actually, WE'D LIKE TO PRETEND LIKE WE'RE RIGHT ALL THE TIME TOO.
4. While I don't ever wanna wear a skirt... I'd totally love to walk into office in my pyjamas and a 'ganji'. Spaghetti top and Harem Pants? My ass.
5. Dealing with women.
6. Dealing with women.
7. Dealing with women.... get the idea? and NO. I'm not gonna apologize. :p
8. Should we leave the toilet seat up or down??? why can't you just make up your minds??? 
9. Fairytales - again! wtf!!! Snow White went off to sleep. Rapunsel sat in a castle, Red Ridinghood walked around with a bunch of apples! But the guys had to fight off evil witches with magic powers, kiss a corpse (!), and slay wolves!!! the most empathy goes out to cinderella for mopping floors and what-not and the girl who kissed the frog! but even here the prince had to go around searching through the entire kingdom with a glass shoe (boy must he have felt like an idiot!) or actually become a frog (all for one lousy kiss???)! 
10. Shopping - go ahead. Do it. with YOUR money. with YOUR friends.
11. What's with wanting to go everywhere we go? Y'all wanna come to bachelor parties, to wear trousers (no, it's really NOT a piece of clothing designed for women)... it's not like we're pleading to get into your kitty parties, thongs or girl's nights!
12. When's the last time a girl came upto you in a bar and tried the corniest pickup line ever on you? And the worst part is she even knows it would've worked... AND still didn't!

But ok. To be honest, I'd still go with being able to take a pee anywhere... 

A Shopping List for Mom

So some friends of mine were chatting about arranged marriages and 'coffee dates' and what not...

I found the whole exercise kinda funny... Sounds like speed dating with a deadly outcome! When relatives ask about me getting married I always say, "when you find me some nice girlsss..."... which usually kinda ends the conversation after a little bit of a laugh...

Out of my entire list of friends from business school, I officially know of only 3 other bachelors apart from myself. Not that i feel the pressure to get married at all but merely illustrating that I am possibly part of a species nearing extinction... Mom frets though :)

I've never really been good with relationships. Always felt stifled or ended up stifling someone in them. My only real relationship lasted a little over a year... However, I somehow seem to be this magical gift to the women that get involved with me cos they all seem to find 'love' or settle down with the next guy they date after me!!! I wonder why? *amazed expression*

So, for kicks. A list of 10 things Mom would have had the pleasure of looking out for IF i was interested...

1. She's got to have "it". You either have "it" or you don't. "it" can't be taught. "it" is magic. (and sorry, if you're asking yourself what "it" is... that can't be a good sign!).
2. Talk, Dark n Pretty: Most of the women that take my breath away inevitably seem to fall into this category... but being a liberal man of the 21st century and all that, I'll consider others too...
3. Big Dreamy Eyes and a Smile that's 'Innocent Witchcraft': when she makes em at you, they've gotta make you feel like your taking a walk in the clouds... ah! I've known women like that... 
4. Idiosyncrasies: if you don't have em, not interested.
5. Must wash my clothes, massage my feet, and proclaim me to be the greatest man alive. every morning. Ok, Ok... not every morning? lol... but on an honest note, i like a woman who's feminine. And in a very broad and liberal sense, I find women that've feminine emotional traits extremely attractive...
6. Strict No-Nos: smokers. painfully independent types. duh-types. painfully ambitious types. (thought the latter 3 sometimes are very palatable for various other moments in life!)
7. Vulnerability, goodness, nurturing, intelligent, inner-strength, honesty, affectionate, warm, expressive, committed, liberal - ideal qualities...
8. If she can cook well: *nods vigorously in approval*
9. In the words of Usher, "a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed": so i might not tell mom this... BUT this matters! 
10. Passion: my woman must have a passion for something... anything. but intense passion is a must.

Did I hear you ask if we lived happily ever after?

Things I should say to Me... Everyday.

So I was thinking about how one should approach everyday... and that lead me to this.

Every morning, and through each day, I'd like to tell myself...

"Aal Izz Well"

: there's something ridiculously reassuring about these words... (if you've no idea what this means, I apologize for I cannot explain this myself, but I suggest you watch the movie '3 Idiots')

"You've learnt from your mistakes. It's ok that you made em. Today, you might make some more. But always learn. And always try to be the best you can. After that, there's no need to be afraid."

: I think we sometimes forget to forgive ourselves and we constantly flog ourselves... I carry regret. Lots.

"Strive for Excellence... in every way"

: It always gives you something to look forward to... while also always enjoying the moment.

"Also do what's best for those around you. Think about the larger picture. "

: To be able to do this is one of the truest expressions of Love. I've often believed that one of the only ways to know when you're in love, is being able to care for someone more than yourself...

"You've come a long way kid"

: so so so many awesome people love me. I've made so many of em proud. I love so many of em. I've had the pleasure of interacting and growing through them. Friends. family (they're friends first really). extended family. work. So many awesome awesome moments. Proud moments. I feel like I've really always given life my best shot... always tried hard. Never backed down. I've taken falls. and gotten back up on my feet after. I've been bruised. But today, hear me roar. Yes, I love me. And I will respect me.

"It's not so much the Destination as much as it is the Journey"

: the destination is never entirely satisfying... Sometimes, even the biggest losses are your greatest victories. Focus on enjoying every moment... let the universe figure out the rest.

"I wish I was a glow worm. 

A glow worm's never glum. 

Cos how can you be grumpy, 

When the Sun shines out of your bum!"

: laugh like an idiot! Cos it's one of the best things in life :)