Flotsam. Is that me, now?

Rusty, weary and nervous... Very freaking nervous.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort at work... a LOT of patience... a LOT of waiting.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort on so many things. Personal spaces, life, professional relationships, relationships...

And while at this moment it feels like i've got nothing to show, i know that's not entirely true. Yet, i feel like i haven't done enough... I feel rusty.

I've been making errors with contracts over the last couple of months. I've been waiting and passing time on facebook and youtube during office hours cos there's been little else to do! In fact a day spent reading reports tends to feel productive, while actually it should be something i do in my spare time to be extra prepared. I feel rusty. I feel restless and this can't be good for my work.

I feel that way about my personal life too sometimes.

Ok, so the logical mind is saying take it easy... don't panic. It doesn't help. Breathe.

Breathe.

It'll happen. It will.

Breathe. Ok now come on, show me a light. I need clarity.

I'm not enjoying this flotsam type feeling. But then again, every moment has a lesson. So, this is one to be learnt.

Even flotsam, moves in the direction of the tide. Even flotsam has a centre of gravity.

Whoooosa! :)

Free Will. It is a Bitch.

Walk into a bar. You smile. The music soaks into you. The endorphins start to flow through your body. A girl walks by. Her eyes meet yours. She smiles… You walk on. Hi-fives all around to your mates. Bartender gets you your drink over the clamoring others with a smile. And then you see the girl in turquoise blue. 

beat. 

beat. 

She looks away. You walk up. You talk. She laughs. Then a little more. She's got you by her little finger... 

But you don't let her know. Or well, you do. 

Life goes on. And with it the beautiful little moments of flirting, of texting, of charming, of dancing, a few poems, a few flowers, and more…

And you've charmed her… Charmed her pants off. (well. not literally. not yet. Or well...) And she's got your heart.

So there's a point when for you to really have her, she's gotta take a leap of faith. And she'll have to keep taking em. Some small, others impossibly large and seemingly catastrophic. Well actually, both of you will have to.

At that point, you can choose to charm her… or you can leave it upto free will. You can make her laugh, treat her like a princess, you can even listen… and in all probability she will melt. And she will leap.

But ever so rarely, when you come to that point, you sit back and hope… and wait. And watch if she will take that leap of faith.

Now the thing is, sometimes she'll choose otherwise. But one has to accept that.

cos free will, it is a bitch.

But if she does, catch her as she lands. 

(Even if she is a little heavy). 

In which direction does the Stork fly?

Apparently, in Italy, everyone is a flirt. Well, every man atleast. Possibly, the stork lost its way just before me was born... Italian shores beckoned but the package was dropped in the hands of a lovely couple of Naiks in Hyderabad at the time. Thank god!

But the streak remains. I love to flirt. I love meeting an interesting person. I love talking to an engaging, pretty woman... And I'm bold enough to do it randomly.

I've met the most wonderful women all through my life and had the pleasure of interacting with so many of you all thanks to this extrovert-ish, unabashed nature. And well there have been the others.

Eventually comes along a time when one may fall in love. Actually well, i can't say i know anyone who hasn't. (*So rephrasing*) Eventually comes along a time when one falls in love. And then eventually also comes along a time to move on. To future meetings or new beginnings...

So i guess, thus i come to the point of this post (rather quickly too)...

I'm not sure if there's a reason why we learn every lesson, why we make every turn, why we make every choice, why we choose (or fool ourselves that we don't make some choices) to live a certain way...or if it's random.

I'm not sure if the point of life is to be happy... or wise... or is it to live to the fullest in each and every emotion. whether it be comic or tragic, or a tad sad, or solely lonely...

I dont know if regrets are worth carrying, and eventually healing or if it were best that they be laid down to rest...

I live in this duality. And at every turn, every corner, and along the way... there seems to be an answer. Incomplete. Yet, sometimes complete in that moment.

And then, the clock ticks...

So apparently i didn't come to the point of this post...

PS- it didn't seem to have one! oh well, reflections of a restless state of mind... or restless mind? 
hahahaha... (*evil laughter*)

for the kids...

When one lives on the streets, I guess life can be hard. I’ve often wondered what kind of self-belief and character people who beg for a living would be made of. I really don’t have a judgment on the issue since I have never faced anything even remotely close to the questions/situations life poses to them.

I made a personal choice to never give beggars money. On my way to work, at a particular traffic signal there’s a bunch of street kids that I buy food for occasionally. They crowd around the car and pester me on most days… on most days I decline but occasionally I’ll allow them into the car. Excitedly they jump in and the ruckus begins. With squeals for the music to be turned louder to the air-conditioning to be redirected, the sheer thrill is palpable… they speak to me in hindi but amongst themselves in strange tongues mixed with Marathi... looking around to see if any of their friends are watching and wave and scream out to them even though the windows are up… the naiveté and easy happiness of children is almost always wonderful to see… Though these kids getting into the car at a traffic signal must often make for a suspicious or curious sight for passers-by.

On this rainy day (today), two of em jumped in… and they were shivering from being soaked to the bone. They wanted chai to keep em warm. So as we went off in the direction of the chai stall they continued to shiver… at the chai stall I gave them money for chai and vada pav (as I didn’t want to get down and there was a lot of traffic) and then even gave them some more money to buy themselves cheap raincoats. I hope they buy them and don’t use the money for anything else. Even if they do, I guess I’ll buy em raincoats again.

I wonder what kinda people they will become as they grow up. Having bought them meals, and on occasion footwear and raincoats, I’ve somehow become attached to them in a tiny small way even though on most days they feel like pests… yet I’ve tiny dreams for them… that they would not stay on the streets for long… that they would not become beggars or prostitutes or thieves or drug addicts… that they would be happy. Though I don’t really do much to actually change any of that.

I watch from the sidelines.

I’m not sure I would do this if it didn’t make me feel good about me. So I’m not being altruistic or anything. In many ways I do it for me. Also I’m not even making a serious attempt or sacrifice at my end. But I know I do want to give back in my own small way. I hope to do that someday. Unselfishly.

And therein lies an irony. There really is no such thing as a true act of kindness. As the charming woman once said, “Cest La Vie”...

Nevertheless, I hope they’re wearing raincoats morrow. And better still, for their sake, I hope it doesn’t even rain.

The Banana Peel, the Stepping Stone and the Ones that got away...

1. One night, in a club, I saw a guy walk upto a girl and start talking to her. She seemed to step back. I thought it was the perfect opportunity to step in and play my game... I walked upto her and said "hey, sorry I'm late", pretending to be her friend and thinking she'd play along to ward off the guy and then we'd laugh about it like Hitch... BUT (to my astonishment, i may add) they just stared at me and walked away. Was a different league of embarrassing...
2. During college, I'd tell my friends I was 'quitting' smoking every morning yet in a few hours/days would be puffing away on a cigarette that I'd taken from them...
3. All my professors felt it was a given that I'd get into IIT, yet when i wrote the entrance exam, during the Math (my forte) paper, i didn't know the answer to virtually anything. Clueless. Yet, i was still hopeful. Needless to say, I didn't make it into even one of them.
4. Yet I spent 4 years wasted away studying engineering... something i realized very very soon that i didn't want to be... and then another year preparing for the next career choice... 5 years in whole of time wasted from a 'career' perspective...
5. I've cheated on women...
6. I once told a girl she was fat... (BIG mistake!)
7. I've had my fair share of heartbreak...
8. I've failed miserably. On so many occasions...

Life will always throw these challenges at you. And no matter how good you are, you will fail. You will make choices you regret. You will get hurt, embarrassed, ridiculed, stomped over, bullied, lied to, betrayed and so much more... 

(yes, eeeeeeeeven the occasional sexual rejection! I know, that's unfair, but it's been known to happen...)

But I guess a good boxer is one who knows how to take a punch and get back on his feet... It's one of the things that often gives us the most amount of satisfaction... when you look back.

Today, when i look back at my failures, I most often look at them without the pain that accompanied them at those times. Yet, when i first encountered them and sometimes for times that followed, they hurt. They were demoralizing.

But I always got back on my feet. That day always came. That day will come. Always. As long as you believe it will. There is no blow from which you wont heal, no cut too deep, no abyss too dark... blah, blah...

As the song goes, "The sun'll come out Tomorrow, So ya gotta hang on, 'Til tomorrow, Come what may...Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're  only a day away!"

I am not lost. I am here. Hear me roar!

in an ideal world...

what would my world be like... if it was perfect.

1. I die while in the middle of a lovely romp in the sack. happily... (and for the sake of the girl that i'm having it with i hope she dies at the same instant too cos else that'd just be very scary for her)... Ok, Ok... I'll just settle for dying content...
2. there would be no bad food. all food would taste good. atleast all the food i ate.
3. I will eventually be father to 3 kids (2 handsome, strong and intelligent boys and 1 beautiful virgin-forever girl (who will even go on to conceive immaculately)), have a lovely large house by the sea (a clean sea) and have a beautiful lovely wife (who cooks awesome food, is simply a goddess and a wonder-woman in bed) and we all love each other insanely and we all live happily ever after... 
4. My wife and I would share an awesome love... the kind that is filled with little intimate secrets between us, moments we cherish, times we've helped each other, stories of adventures together, tiny things that makes us laugh like idiots...silly irreplaceable memories... and more. and with imperfections galore. with some regrets. but the kind that we learnt from and make us stronger.
5. __________________________________________________________________                                                                                                                              (some things even i don't have to confess to you)
6. Rod Stewart and Michael Jackson would perform at my wedding on a beach in South Goa... David Guetta, Black Eyed Peas and Taio Cruz would host the after-party. 
7. me, my family and friends would have no financial issues. No one would have outrageous obscene expenditures such as owning ferraris or bungalows on bandstand either. Everyone would have enough. Everyone would learn from their mistakes.
8. i would always be 'cool'. if i did something uncool, it'd become cool simply cos I did it! Kinda like Rajnikant. 
9. i would've travelled the world over and had an awesome time doing it... from brazil to Kenya, NZ to Cambodia, Italy to Kazakhistan... and would have many many stories to tell. Many that you will recall with envy.
10. i would've written a lovely novel... one that'll inspire you, teach you and sometimes make you cry.
11. i'd be an actor. i would look like 'Sawyer' from LOST (but fitter). and would have a body of work that'll make the likes of Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholas and Aamir Khan jealous. And i would've worked really hard to do all of that successfully. I'd also have my own entourage.
12. Everyone would have challenging exciting work that they enjoy tremendously.
13. there would be no war. and people would find a sustainable way of living in harmony with the planet.
14. i would be a certified sky diving expert. I'd get to watch a figure skating performance by the best in the world, composed and choreographed to the story of my life. Boredom and having to try to get laid would be things of the past.
15. Chennai super Kings will win every edition of the IPL (well, we're almost there...), Michael Schumacher would still race like a champion, Jordan would be leading the bulls to yet another title, Saurav Ganguly would've also won a world cup as captain of Team India and would be batting like the prince that he was (for Chennai super Kings) and Nistelroy would still be finishing like the magical finisher he was... 
16. Traffic jams would not exist. Filth would not exist. No one would be extremely poor.
17. Life would still be unpredictable, filled with challenges and exciting.

Tick Tock.

Since everyone likes a story…here’s one.

I’d been waiting for ages for a raise and opportunity I’d totally deserved. I do hold a key position, one that’s very dear to the company and am considered a stakeholder (well I consider myself one as well…in many ways, I feel like it is my company), I hadn’t been getting a 'salary' (do note that that is different from ‘wealth’ generation in the long term) that satisfied me. But then again, as a stakeholder, one must make sacrifices in the interest of the Company performing to reap benefits later.

I’d put in a lot of hardwork, effort and time. But it just didn’t seem to be happening the way I wanted it to. The raise I’d gotten felt like a pittance, but as my boss explained, “it wasn’t a reflection of worth, but merely a ‘sustenance’ fund”.  But that wasn’t the most important thing, the kinda work I was doing was frustrating and random (even if it was sometimes important work, it felt random). There were times when one felt like one was floating… watching life pass by. I wanted a change. I was ready to be thrown into the deep end of the pool. Again.

I needed a challenge. I needed something with potential.

Then one morning my boss called me to his house (we share a very ‘Yoda-Padavan’ type relationship) and presented me with an opportunity he was thinking about handing over to me. A big one. But things didn’t seem to move on that even though I’d completely given my consent. I continued to wait. 

Frustrated.

Then, one afternoon they called me into the boardroom and presented me with another opportunity. This time I said I’d like to think about it. The next day I said yes. This time, they were seriously gonna give this a try. Now, my pay was to be restructured. But again, I’d to think about how much to earn as a salary since this was a new business and making it work was gonna be my responsibility. They wanted me to propose a business plan and salary. So, hesitantly I did. And then waited. And waited. Impatiently. Tempted to ask , but somehow restrained myself.

One evening, my new boss (I now have 3!) walked by my desk on his way out and casually asked if it was “OK” if he paid me just a miniscule amount less than what I’d asked for. I happily said yes. I’d finally gotten a salary that gave me a tiny bit of financial room… more money to send home, possibly move to a larger place, get a cook, live like the 30 year old I am about to  become etc… good news.

And a challenge lies ahead. (((Yay!!!))) But given the nature of the challenge, I’m back to doing what I hate...

Waiting.

So, as I’ve confessed before, patience isn’t a virtue.

But funnily, life over the last year or so has placed me in various situations where I’ve had to attempt to exercise it. Well, at least if I wanted things to go well… or well, even just play out.

At work, I’ve had to slowly yet surely demonstrate enthusiasm while having very little focused work to do. In my personal life, I’ve had to restrain myself. I haven’t been very good at either. But I’ve tried. Well, sorta. With the stuff that mattered I tried. Wasn’t very good, but I tried.

(I hate saying I tried)

In fact, I’m not patient with most things in life. I can’t seem to tell the difference between ‘seize the day’, chutzpah, and “all we have is now” to “go with the flow”, “the right time will come” and calm.

Even the tiger crouches in wait…

But whenever I’ve managed to be patient, it’s always given me a lot of happiness. Especially since I’ve sorta pulled through or helped someone else pull through something. I guess that’s why they sometimes say ‘good things happen to those who wait…’

So maybe it’s all about timing.

Yet to every saying lies an antithesis. So maybe, it’s all meant to be… no matter when (remember that scene from 'Om Shanti Om'? No? click this )…

That’s the funny thing about life…

You never know. And then suddenly, you do.

...imperfections...

There's a funny thing that alway seems to happen to me when i'm really fond of someone... it's their imperfections and the usually irritating stuff that would've normally gotten to me, that suddenly starts becoming the stuff you miss about them...

The first time you meet these people these things make you look at them with a little bit of caution... how someone gets really crazy when they're hungry... how someone has certain marks or scars on their body... how someone squints or lisps... their high pitched laughter or the silly things that used to make them laugh... how someone fusses over you... how they'd never wake up... how someone always has a piece of advice for every occasion... how they complain bout your driving... stretch marks... how someone always tested your patience... how someone always has some rubbish response to anything you say... how someone always annoyingly knew what you were thinking with one glance at your face... the tiny hairs on someone's back...

whatever it was... somehow as you get to know them... these things tend to become the very things that you adore about them... the things that make you feel all warm and silly as you think back... foolish little memories...

Reminds me of a scene from 'Good Will Hunting'... it's fab... you have check it out, click here... 

(aside - i have to watch that movie again sometime soon)

the little private things that you cant replace... the small things... the idiosyncrasies... and strangely, the imperfections...

Saved! (part Deux)

so continuing on the series of texts that i've saved on my phone that make me smile or feel fuzzy etc... here's some more... even though i really know that it's impossible to bring out how funny and yet thoughtful some of these are (and believe me they are!) i'm putting them out here cos they mean a lot to me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TNA
Most everyone who knows me, knows that among the several diverse interests that i have, i also absolutely love TNA... n i don't mean wrestling, well not the type that has fancily dressed men in tights anyways...

Dictionary meaning (or well, what it should be at least...)
TNA, abbreviation, tee-enn-aye : Tits N Ass.

Basically i'm a total pervert. Well, borderline at least.
:)

So, I'd been extremely depressed one evening. I can't remember  what exactly was wrong but i remember feeling absolutely demoralized... I was at wit's end and was ready to throw in the towel... i'd been texting a very pretty and close friend about it...

She sent me this text to cheer me up. I've no idea how she thought of it... and that too at a time when i was totally down n out... but the message always gets me grinning like an idiot...


"Awww... UU.... ()().... Boobs and ass just for you .... ((((((hug)))))) and a hug from me"


And I've been grinning like an idiot all the time I've been typing this...