Sumitra Akka's Poem for Me

When I left school (way back in '99) a teacher of mine wrote me a poem... She made it on a piece of chart paper and on one side stuck pieces of colourful paper that formed an image that was an abstract fusion of a red indian brave and a bird...

On the other side she wrote...

"Remember - special one,

In the heart

of the warrior

Is a bird fish

Swimming upwards

Searching light

gleaming scales search

Sun and star

So bright, so far - when

Suddenly,

in the blue sky's endless flow

a bird - of dark gold,

and shining wings

and eyes with golden rings - 

In their depths, the bird fish

Softly sings its song

unafraid to be.

Ashwatha,

           Wherever you are, whatever you dream, remember the beautiful bird within you, grand and wise. My love and best wishes will always be with you.

- Sumitra Akka"

Making Space...

I've often heard people speak of the power of positive thinking... In my opinion positive thoughts are fantastically fragile. Sometimes virtually powerless against negativity, insecurity, distrust and inertia... Defeatist thinking and painful emotions are funnily extremely powerful.

Remember the last time you got over a lack of trust in a jiffy? On the other hand, remember how easily you lost your grasp over any good thing?

In the last few days i've had the pleasure of interacting with a couple of people whom i've felt have somehow been able to make the universe 'move' and 'make space' for them and their dreams with their positivity, diligence and honesty. Both were hugely inspiring in their own way.

So the concept of 'cosmic timing' seems to have found its way into my head (well actually one of em might have planted it there...). Ever noticed how when you're in the best frame of mind, you tend to meet the most vibrant and interesting people?

I've begun to believe that there possibly is such a thing as 'cosmic timing'... that the 'universe' (or call it what-you-will - god, energy, a higher power etc) will somehow magically change to figure things out for you when you're somehow able to ________________

Sorry, i don't really have the answers as to what you need to be able to do to make the universe your buddy, but... I'd like to share some of the common threads I found in both these people...

• they both loved what they were doing in life
• they both actively pursued things that gave them happiness - and they worked hard in these pursuits
• they were somehow magically structured while also being instinctive - they had structured their lives in a way that allowed for them to be instinctive
• their approach to life was simplified... 'I will always do what makes me happy and stay honest to myself'... 
• neither was remotely lazy. Neither was afraid to take responsibility for their mistakes. Neither had it easy...
• they were both in good health and fit
• they were fantastically vibrant - to the point of being inspiring

I know it sounds rather simplistic... but somehow it makes me happy to just think like this.

Reminds me of these scenes from my favourite SRK movie (and i like only a few)... scene 1 (with english subtitles) and scene 2 (after he gets reincarnated)...

The possibilities seem limitless... 

Be a Man! Really???

Be a man...

Really? Ladies... You sure don't make it easy.

1. Paying the bill - wtf!!! who made this ridiculous rule? Like, what was going through 'her' head! and by god, don't be fooled by the 'No, I insist on going dutch' rubbish - she'll just think you're cheap if you agree!
2. PMS - no seriously. We'd like one week in a month to walk around being crabby and shouting at everyone for no reason - AND then pretend like we're right!
3. Actually, WE'D LIKE TO PRETEND LIKE WE'RE RIGHT ALL THE TIME TOO.
4. While I don't ever wanna wear a skirt... I'd totally love to walk into office in my pyjamas and a 'ganji'. Spaghetti top and Harem Pants? My ass.
5. Dealing with women.
6. Dealing with women.
7. Dealing with women.... get the idea? and NO. I'm not gonna apologize. :p
8. Should we leave the toilet seat up or down??? why can't you just make up your minds??? 
9. Fairytales - again! wtf!!! Snow White went off to sleep. Rapunsel sat in a castle, Red Ridinghood walked around with a bunch of apples! But the guys had to fight off evil witches with magic powers, kiss a corpse (!), and slay wolves!!! the most empathy goes out to cinderella for mopping floors and what-not and the girl who kissed the frog! but even here the prince had to go around searching through the entire kingdom with a glass shoe (boy must he have felt like an idiot!) or actually become a frog (all for one lousy kiss???)! 
10. Shopping - go ahead. Do it. with YOUR money. with YOUR friends.
11. What's with wanting to go everywhere we go? Y'all wanna come to bachelor parties, to wear trousers (no, it's really NOT a piece of clothing designed for women)... it's not like we're pleading to get into your kitty parties, thongs or girl's nights!
12. When's the last time a girl came upto you in a bar and tried the corniest pickup line ever on you? And the worst part is she even knows it would've worked... AND still didn't!

But ok. To be honest, I'd still go with being able to take a pee anywhere... 

A Shopping List for Mom

So some friends of mine were chatting about arranged marriages and 'coffee dates' and what not...

I found the whole exercise kinda funny... Sounds like speed dating with a deadly outcome! When relatives ask about me getting married I always say, "when you find me some nice girlsss..."... which usually kinda ends the conversation after a little bit of a laugh...

Out of my entire list of friends from business school, I officially know of only 3 other bachelors apart from myself. Not that i feel the pressure to get married at all but merely illustrating that I am possibly part of a species nearing extinction... Mom frets though :)

I've never really been good with relationships. Always felt stifled or ended up stifling someone in them. My only real relationship lasted a little over a year... However, I somehow seem to be this magical gift to the women that get involved with me cos they all seem to find 'love' or settle down with the next guy they date after me!!! I wonder why? *amazed expression*

So, for kicks. A list of 10 things Mom would have had the pleasure of looking out for IF i was interested...

1. She's got to have "it". You either have "it" or you don't. "it" can't be taught. "it" is magic. (and sorry, if you're asking yourself what "it" is... that can't be a good sign!).
2. Talk, Dark n Pretty: Most of the women that take my breath away inevitably seem to fall into this category... but being a liberal man of the 21st century and all that, I'll consider others too...
3. Big Dreamy Eyes and a Smile that's 'Innocent Witchcraft': when she makes em at you, they've gotta make you feel like your taking a walk in the clouds... ah! I've known women like that... 
4. Idiosyncrasies: if you don't have em, not interested.
5. Must wash my clothes, massage my feet, and proclaim me to be the greatest man alive. every morning. Ok, Ok... not every morning? lol... but on an honest note, i like a woman who's feminine. And in a very broad and liberal sense, I find women that've feminine emotional traits extremely attractive...
6. Strict No-Nos: smokers. painfully independent types. duh-types. painfully ambitious types. (thought the latter 3 sometimes are very palatable for various other moments in life!)
7. Vulnerability, goodness, nurturing, intelligent, inner-strength, honesty, affectionate, warm, expressive, committed, liberal - ideal qualities...
8. If she can cook well: *nods vigorously in approval*
9. In the words of Usher, "a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed": so i might not tell mom this... BUT this matters! 
10. Passion: my woman must have a passion for something... anything. but intense passion is a must.

Did I hear you ask if we lived happily ever after?

Things I should say to Me... Everyday.

So I was thinking about how one should approach everyday... and that lead me to this.

Every morning, and through each day, I'd like to tell myself...

"Aal Izz Well"

: there's something ridiculously reassuring about these words... (if you've no idea what this means, I apologize for I cannot explain this myself, but I suggest you watch the movie '3 Idiots')

"You've learnt from your mistakes. It's ok that you made em. Today, you might make some more. But always learn. And always try to be the best you can. After that, there's no need to be afraid."

: I think we sometimes forget to forgive ourselves and we constantly flog ourselves... I carry regret. Lots.

"Strive for Excellence... in every way"

: It always gives you something to look forward to... while also always enjoying the moment.

"Also do what's best for those around you. Think about the larger picture. "

: To be able to do this is one of the truest expressions of Love. I've often believed that one of the only ways to know when you're in love, is being able to care for someone more than yourself...

"You've come a long way kid"

: so so so many awesome people love me. I've made so many of em proud. I love so many of em. I've had the pleasure of interacting and growing through them. Friends. family (they're friends first really). extended family. work. So many awesome awesome moments. Proud moments. I feel like I've really always given life my best shot... always tried hard. Never backed down. I've taken falls. and gotten back up on my feet after. I've been bruised. But today, hear me roar. Yes, I love me. And I will respect me.

"It's not so much the Destination as much as it is the Journey"

: the destination is never entirely satisfying... Sometimes, even the biggest losses are your greatest victories. Focus on enjoying every moment... let the universe figure out the rest.

"I wish I was a glow worm. 

A glow worm's never glum. 

Cos how can you be grumpy, 

When the Sun shines out of your bum!"

: laugh like an idiot! Cos it's one of the best things in life :)

...A Withering Old Man, Alone Under a Rain Tree...

Growing old alone has been something I've feared sometimes... Illness, eccentricity, loss of reality, delusions, becoming senile, loneliness, inability to enjoy and do so many things... It's scary.

But then there are so many other things that I guess its difficult to fathom - collective wisdom, the immense growth in character, the pleasure in the small things...

But I'd like to share 4 different examples of ageing I've seen in my life...

The Lady Downstairs
Every morning I can hear her moans (which are really screams that she unsuccessfully attempts thanks to her ill-health) as she keeps calling out to someone... In the past she would sit with her door ajar and ask everyone who walked by what time it was... and then would attempt to make small talk as she repeated everything you said... her brain would slowly seem to process this information and yet the next time you saw her she asked you the same questions... Her son/nephew is a foul-mouthed, uncouth person who  works in the middle east and she has another extremely old lady (albeit in slightly better health but senile nevertheless) and a maid during the day for company. Once upon a time they called me into their house to see some seepage and there was a sickening hospital-like odour in the house...

It scares me.

Cuddles
Cuddles is an aged Labrador... She belongs to a friend. Rather she was inherited by a friend after her father passed away. Cuddles was her father's dog. Well actually, her father's friend's dog. So now Cuddles grows old with little love or affection and is a reminder of so many memories that aren't wanted. And while there is the sanitary 'taking care' that is done to care of her... the truth is, she isn't really  wanted. She wasn't by choice. But now they cope with her. They aren't bad people at all. In fact, quite the opposite. But she just doesn't happen to be what they wanted... and they don't have a choice. So, they cope.

I've felt sad for cuddles.

Chinna Patiamma
Chinna Patiamma just celebrated her centenary birthday surrounded by family and friends in October. She is a cynosure of affection for her family. She is active, extremely positive in her outlook, vibrant and so so so affectionate. She refers to me as one of her own grandchildren. In typical fashion as most elders in India she blesses me every time she sees me... We chat and laugh. I tease her about her 'fashionable' haircut and how we should go out together sometime...

I can't fathom how she does it. She's over a 100 years old!

Uncle, a friend's dad
He lost his wife early this year, suffers from acute diabetes, has a few toes and a foot amputated, has very limited sight, needs dialysis twice a week and so many more health issues... But he is one of the most vibrant and happy people you will ever meet. He exudes confidence and charm. Every time you meet him, he has fascinating stories of his travels around the world to tell you about and several insights into everyday life. He smiles from within. And even through all of his health issues, he is the rock that gives his children emotional support. When you meet him you feel such a strong sense of purpose and general amazement at life that it cant help but leave you inspired.

I really like spending time with uncle...

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If ever I am a withering old man, alone under a rain tree... i hope i sit there smiling and surrounded by love.

In My World, 2011 has been a year of...

New Beginnings...

Well, I did begin to write this blog... I also began working in a completely new job profile and responsibility... I made a few new friends... Some of my friends began new journeys that I was a part of in a small way... I reconnected with lost friends and mentors... There have been some thoughts and ideas that have begun to seed in my head...

But Beginnings almost always seem to have their ends...

Coming to Understand the Things I Value Most...

Family, Friends, Love, Work, Time, Money, Making a Difference, Fitness, Helping, Being Kind and Fair, Being Successful, Nurturing, Supportive, Adventure, Varied Experiences...

Baby Steps Towards the Things I Value...

I try to go home more often and spend more time with my folks. I value Time with them much, much more. I've grown closer to some of my friends... I've become more accommodating while also realizing which of them I value and which I'm not really sure of... I've made a conscious effort to be a positive influence in the world around me (...if you know me, have I been one in your world?)... I may have not done much but I've tried... I've begun sending more money home...

Learning how to Let Go... and How to Hang On

It's been a year that's taught me about insecurity... and being able to try to let go of it. It's been a year that taught me to love and simultaneously not lose sight of my life... It's been a year that's reminded me of how to look out for others before myself... I've been forced to learn to let go of anger, frustration, guilt, vengeance and move on... to forgive, forget and become wiser...

Proud, Special Moments and Small Victories

There have been so many small things that have happened through the year that warm the heart... a friend getting a new job, my sister getting a scholarship, a loan being approved, booking a new car, getting a raise, receiving a random text...

Reduced Random Madness...

There wasn't the seismic volume of madness that surrounded the 'me' of the past few years. It's been a fairly tempered year... The keyword is 'random'... so while it has had its share of call-it-what-you-will, it's been a year that was made of

...Mature, Informed, Patient Choices

Many a time, I've held myself back and thought through a lot of what I did. The 'me' of the past was impulsive and impatient. Choices I've made have usually been thought out and calmly processed... There have been testing times that I've patiently waited through... and others that I've broken down in, and yet somehow found a way to pull through...

But there have also been some

...Mad, Fun, Memorable Times

Bachelor Parties, weekends spent in conversation and laughter, long long nights of celebration, affection and sharing.

*he laughs to himself recollecting some of these*

Injury

Throughout the year, I've been carrying some form of physical injury or the other... and I've tried to fight inertia to stay fit. This I need to do better in the following year.

Better Work

Work over the last few months has been more gratifying than in the past... But i expect more from myself here as well...

... And Life Goes On...


PS - I realize this was a long, verbose and probably boring mail... But I really did write this one entirely for me.

Hi

I was watching this movie called 'The Hurricane' based on the true life story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter a few days ago on cable. It wasn't the first time I was watching the movie... I remember watching it several years ago while i was in college (wow, feels strange to be referring to my college days as 'several years ago') and it made me cry like a baby. Well, i am a little bit of a 'cry-er', especially when it comes to movies, and this is a phenomenally courageous and emotional story... definitely, a must watch.

But, I digress. There's a scene in the movie where Rubin Carter (played by Denzel Washington) is sent to 90 days of solitary confinement.

90 days.
In a dark room.
A.L.O.N.E.

Scary. One of my biggest fears is/was growing old alone...

I wonder what it is about being alone that makes a lot of us cringe... While some of us do enjoy time alone, I think there's a an innate need for us to interact. To appreciate. To be appreciated. To discuss. To Argue... a need for external stimulus. So yes, some of us may like 'alone' time, but we still need a television/book/scenic venue...

I guess what i'm saying is that it's funny that while so much of how we perceive the world around us is about our own state of mind, yet we often seem to rely on the world around us for stimulation. Of. Every. Kind.

Lack of stimulus makes us feel lonely, bored, wasted, un-loved... I guess you could call it attention, sharing, interacting, touch, actions etc... these are just words...

I know that for me, there is an innate need to share, to do things together, to interact with people... and even when i'm alone I try to talk/chat to people over the phone/net... else i end up watching sports or movies or shows... and even in the rare occasion read a book.

But effectively, I guess your thinking "what else does he expect us to do?"

Nothing, really. i just thought its interesting.

But the next time you type out a text message that happens to just say the word "Hi" and are about to press 'send'.
Hold on.
Think about it.
Is that all you have to stimulate someone with? Really?

Cos that's really what they want... a fix. a stimulant... sometimes even a shred of humour or inspiration. Go ahead, contribute. It can't hurt. Too much.

Reminds me of the opening words in the movie 'Crash'... It's life, really.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. "

...Perfect Beautiful Love...

So, I haven't blogged in AGES... I've been meaning to on several occasions and have had so much to write about but somehow just didn't...

I've been busy with work (I committed to myself that I wouldn't blog during work no matter how slow my days were... and Voila! Work got challenging and hectic and all that...).

And my life's update in a nutshell: I fell back in love.

Gosh, that sounds mushy... But it's true. Or well, let me rephrase... I realized I loved a special someone...

It's special. To say the least. And it's strange. When you cherish a relationship that way, the very things that sometimes irritate you, often become the things you grow to like...

"...imperfection is the basis of beauty..."

- Me :)

There are moments when one is overcome by this inner sense of belonging and affection (and it is a great feeling). There are moments of strange beauty. There are moments of insecurity. There are others filled with jealousy and disappointment. There are times of happiness. There are times of intimacy... and so much more... pride, confusion, frustration, laughter, temptation, attraction, admiration, warmth, honesty...

And I dare say, it's imperfect. 

It's beautiful. 

It makes me smile... and laugh.

And well, there have also been times that it's made me cry... the whole spectrum.

I won't stand here (well, figuratively speaking...) and glorify it cos that would just be silly. But I will say this... I cherish this love. More than even I thought I did. It makes me want to be a better man. Well, on most days at least. 

And when that kinda love comes along, even the most ardent readers of this blog will forgive me for being distracted. 

Won't you? 

:)

And as far as imperfections and love go... I wouldn't have it any other way!