...A Withering Old Man, Alone Under a Rain Tree...

Growing old alone has been something I've feared sometimes... Illness, eccentricity, loss of reality, delusions, becoming senile, loneliness, inability to enjoy and do so many things... It's scary.

But then there are so many other things that I guess its difficult to fathom - collective wisdom, the immense growth in character, the pleasure in the small things...

But I'd like to share 4 different examples of ageing I've seen in my life...

The Lady Downstairs
Every morning I can hear her moans (which are really screams that she unsuccessfully attempts thanks to her ill-health) as she keeps calling out to someone... In the past she would sit with her door ajar and ask everyone who walked by what time it was... and then would attempt to make small talk as she repeated everything you said... her brain would slowly seem to process this information and yet the next time you saw her she asked you the same questions... Her son/nephew is a foul-mouthed, uncouth person who  works in the middle east and she has another extremely old lady (albeit in slightly better health but senile nevertheless) and a maid during the day for company. Once upon a time they called me into their house to see some seepage and there was a sickening hospital-like odour in the house...

It scares me.

Cuddles
Cuddles is an aged Labrador... She belongs to a friend. Rather she was inherited by a friend after her father passed away. Cuddles was her father's dog. Well actually, her father's friend's dog. So now Cuddles grows old with little love or affection and is a reminder of so many memories that aren't wanted. And while there is the sanitary 'taking care' that is done to care of her... the truth is, she isn't really  wanted. She wasn't by choice. But now they cope with her. They aren't bad people at all. In fact, quite the opposite. But she just doesn't happen to be what they wanted... and they don't have a choice. So, they cope.

I've felt sad for cuddles.

Chinna Patiamma
Chinna Patiamma just celebrated her centenary birthday surrounded by family and friends in October. She is a cynosure of affection for her family. She is active, extremely positive in her outlook, vibrant and so so so affectionate. She refers to me as one of her own grandchildren. In typical fashion as most elders in India she blesses me every time she sees me... We chat and laugh. I tease her about her 'fashionable' haircut and how we should go out together sometime...

I can't fathom how she does it. She's over a 100 years old!

Uncle, a friend's dad
He lost his wife early this year, suffers from acute diabetes, has a few toes and a foot amputated, has very limited sight, needs dialysis twice a week and so many more health issues... But he is one of the most vibrant and happy people you will ever meet. He exudes confidence and charm. Every time you meet him, he has fascinating stories of his travels around the world to tell you about and several insights into everyday life. He smiles from within. And even through all of his health issues, he is the rock that gives his children emotional support. When you meet him you feel such a strong sense of purpose and general amazement at life that it cant help but leave you inspired.

I really like spending time with uncle...

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If ever I am a withering old man, alone under a rain tree... i hope i sit there smiling and surrounded by love.

In My World, 2011 has been a year of...

New Beginnings...

Well, I did begin to write this blog... I also began working in a completely new job profile and responsibility... I made a few new friends... Some of my friends began new journeys that I was a part of in a small way... I reconnected with lost friends and mentors... There have been some thoughts and ideas that have begun to seed in my head...

But Beginnings almost always seem to have their ends...

Coming to Understand the Things I Value Most...

Family, Friends, Love, Work, Time, Money, Making a Difference, Fitness, Helping, Being Kind and Fair, Being Successful, Nurturing, Supportive, Adventure, Varied Experiences...

Baby Steps Towards the Things I Value...

I try to go home more often and spend more time with my folks. I value Time with them much, much more. I've grown closer to some of my friends... I've become more accommodating while also realizing which of them I value and which I'm not really sure of... I've made a conscious effort to be a positive influence in the world around me (...if you know me, have I been one in your world?)... I may have not done much but I've tried... I've begun sending more money home...

Learning how to Let Go... and How to Hang On

It's been a year that's taught me about insecurity... and being able to try to let go of it. It's been a year that taught me to love and simultaneously not lose sight of my life... It's been a year that's reminded me of how to look out for others before myself... I've been forced to learn to let go of anger, frustration, guilt, vengeance and move on... to forgive, forget and become wiser...

Proud, Special Moments and Small Victories

There have been so many small things that have happened through the year that warm the heart... a friend getting a new job, my sister getting a scholarship, a loan being approved, booking a new car, getting a raise, receiving a random text...

Reduced Random Madness...

There wasn't the seismic volume of madness that surrounded the 'me' of the past few years. It's been a fairly tempered year... The keyword is 'random'... so while it has had its share of call-it-what-you-will, it's been a year that was made of

...Mature, Informed, Patient Choices

Many a time, I've held myself back and thought through a lot of what I did. The 'me' of the past was impulsive and impatient. Choices I've made have usually been thought out and calmly processed... There have been testing times that I've patiently waited through... and others that I've broken down in, and yet somehow found a way to pull through...

But there have also been some

...Mad, Fun, Memorable Times

Bachelor Parties, weekends spent in conversation and laughter, long long nights of celebration, affection and sharing.

*he laughs to himself recollecting some of these*

Injury

Throughout the year, I've been carrying some form of physical injury or the other... and I've tried to fight inertia to stay fit. This I need to do better in the following year.

Better Work

Work over the last few months has been more gratifying than in the past... But i expect more from myself here as well...

... And Life Goes On...


PS - I realize this was a long, verbose and probably boring mail... But I really did write this one entirely for me.

Hi

I was watching this movie called 'The Hurricane' based on the true life story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter a few days ago on cable. It wasn't the first time I was watching the movie... I remember watching it several years ago while i was in college (wow, feels strange to be referring to my college days as 'several years ago') and it made me cry like a baby. Well, i am a little bit of a 'cry-er', especially when it comes to movies, and this is a phenomenally courageous and emotional story... definitely, a must watch.

But, I digress. There's a scene in the movie where Rubin Carter (played by Denzel Washington) is sent to 90 days of solitary confinement.

90 days.
In a dark room.
A.L.O.N.E.

Scary. One of my biggest fears is/was growing old alone...

I wonder what it is about being alone that makes a lot of us cringe... While some of us do enjoy time alone, I think there's a an innate need for us to interact. To appreciate. To be appreciated. To discuss. To Argue... a need for external stimulus. So yes, some of us may like 'alone' time, but we still need a television/book/scenic venue...

I guess what i'm saying is that it's funny that while so much of how we perceive the world around us is about our own state of mind, yet we often seem to rely on the world around us for stimulation. Of. Every. Kind.

Lack of stimulus makes us feel lonely, bored, wasted, un-loved... I guess you could call it attention, sharing, interacting, touch, actions etc... these are just words...

I know that for me, there is an innate need to share, to do things together, to interact with people... and even when i'm alone I try to talk/chat to people over the phone/net... else i end up watching sports or movies or shows... and even in the rare occasion read a book.

But effectively, I guess your thinking "what else does he expect us to do?"

Nothing, really. i just thought its interesting.

But the next time you type out a text message that happens to just say the word "Hi" and are about to press 'send'.
Hold on.
Think about it.
Is that all you have to stimulate someone with? Really?

Cos that's really what they want... a fix. a stimulant... sometimes even a shred of humour or inspiration. Go ahead, contribute. It can't hurt. Too much.

Reminds me of the opening words in the movie 'Crash'... It's life, really.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. "

...Perfect Beautiful Love...

So, I haven't blogged in AGES... I've been meaning to on several occasions and have had so much to write about but somehow just didn't...

I've been busy with work (I committed to myself that I wouldn't blog during work no matter how slow my days were... and Voila! Work got challenging and hectic and all that...).

And my life's update in a nutshell: I fell back in love.

Gosh, that sounds mushy... But it's true. Or well, let me rephrase... I realized I loved a special someone...

It's special. To say the least. And it's strange. When you cherish a relationship that way, the very things that sometimes irritate you, often become the things you grow to like...

"...imperfection is the basis of beauty..."

- Me :)

There are moments when one is overcome by this inner sense of belonging and affection (and it is a great feeling). There are moments of strange beauty. There are moments of insecurity. There are others filled with jealousy and disappointment. There are times of happiness. There are times of intimacy... and so much more... pride, confusion, frustration, laughter, temptation, attraction, admiration, warmth, honesty...

And I dare say, it's imperfect. 

It's beautiful. 

It makes me smile... and laugh.

And well, there have also been times that it's made me cry... the whole spectrum.

I won't stand here (well, figuratively speaking...) and glorify it cos that would just be silly. But I will say this... I cherish this love. More than even I thought I did. It makes me want to be a better man. Well, on most days at least. 

And when that kinda love comes along, even the most ardent readers of this blog will forgive me for being distracted. 

Won't you? 

:)

And as far as imperfections and love go... I wouldn't have it any other way!

Dreams...

I rarely ever have dreams that are sweet and pleasant...

In fact sometimes, when I'm really upset or stressed, I'll just wake up and lie awake in bed feeling horrible... But I never have dreams that are really beautiful... the kind that make you smile...

Last night I had a nightmare. Well, technically this morning. It was the kinda dream that inspires horror films. And the thing is, I stay alone... or you could say with my cat. Even so, i'm not one to get spooked. In fact the logical mind kicks in and always seem to rationalize the situation. It's funny though how we never ever seem to get spooked during the day...

I've often wondered why we dream. Sometimes, I've had the strangest dreams that leave behind a taste in the back of one's mouth... a textured sensation in one's breath... or a chill. I've had dreams that've randomly left me disturbed, where I've had to call friends or family to make sure they were ok. Maybe we've all had them...

I wonder why we dream the dreams we dream...

It's kinda ironical then that we use the word 'dream' with aspirations... when possibly it has more to do with fears. I guess I rarely dream... maybe when I sleep, I 'nightmare' more!

So I ask myself what're the things that make me smile when I go to sleep... Or when I wake up... Most of the time, the things that'll make me smile have to do with tiny moments of intimacy... moments that're laugh-out-loud funny... moments that're brilliant and beautiful... moments that're profoundly proud and satisfying... moments that're almost always with friends, family and life. Moments of excellence. These moments are the things that inspire and make one continue to strive...

So, if I wake up with a smile on my face and you find yourself seeing that smile of mine... know that it aint cos I'd a lovely dream. It was cos of you. It is cos of you.

"I love women. I have all their albums."

This is a post about Hank Moody (from 'Californication') and me... and the reasons why I hate where the creators took the show over the last two seasons...


Hank is the rebellious cynical half-poet with undeniable dark charm and affinity for the prettier sex who somehow always seems to have countless women throwing themselves at him in spite of the messed up situations he gets into... and yet deep down he's really just a one-woman guy madly in love with his ex-wife and daughter... But he just can't seem to keep it together...


so, the truth is... there is so much about Hank that i identify with. I know how he does 85% of the stuff he does to keep himself occupied... to keep himself distracted... to help himself deal with the fact that you dont always get what you want... and yet he knows its possible he's just making excuses to himself...


In the show hank says some of the most candid, irreverent and honest things a man feels... how in times that're ridiculously serious we'll feel like looking at a pair of tits for example. None of us would ever dare even allow the thought to linger. Hank will revel in it... and in some situations he's painfully loyal in his own twisted way... and Yet in others he'll just walk outta the room where he was with the love of his life and make out with the next set of legs that walks by - a walking contradiction. And in others, he'll say the coolest, most poetic (which are sometimes strangely irreverently honest) things... here's a few... (including the title too!)

"A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness."

"You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly."

"There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen."

"I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare. As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time, noble in thought... weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give."

Hank makes being a major fuck-up look cool. He really does. I hate that they reduced him to being a total mess. I know it's just a show... and I know life isn't rosy... we all have our defeats and victories and I guess there really is no single rule that applies to life and the world...except, that it moves on.

But I wish they hadn't made him fail at the things that mattered most to him - Karen (his ex-wife) and his daughter...

I sometimes feel like I know Hank... in me. A friend told me very recently that she didn't know why i didn't show the 'real' me to people... that if i did, they wouldn't stand a chance and would all love me choicelessly. well, i thought they did anyway... well ok, not really. but I kinda make do with whomever I'm talking to... 85% of the time I'm not even interested (no offense here btw! The issue is me.)... I'm only passing time i guess... So honestly, I rarely care. I rarely have the patience. 

But I know i'll be great when i feel like i want to. I hope at least. When passion finds itself in my life. And the passions that have found emself in my life. 

Finally, to Hank I say... "Take it easy Moody, it's just a show... it aint life."

the Actor

So, i've been told many a time that i'm a fabulous actor. I've also been told many a time that i can't hide my emotions. I wonder if these both come from very different facets of myself... or are they the same side of the coin. The word actor is derived from 'one who acts'... hence by definition, a skilled actor pretends... or does the fine actor actually feel emotion to such an extent that he emotes naturally, the method actor...

The 'actor' in my life has always been a pretender...

Increasingly I've been finding that in various situations in my life, the actor has to come alive. In fact, on so many occasions we all act. But the scary thing about acting isn't the fact that one is often pretending... the scary part is that eventually one begins to fool one's self into believing the act...

Ever told yourself, 'ok, stop it. get over it and be happy.' Pretty soon, someone cracks a coupla jokes, or something funny happens and Voila! your giggling and finding yourself feeling warm again... On the other hand, if you sometimes just decide not to 'let go' of something and want to stay angry, it's amazing how everything that happens will stress you out n piss you off...

so basically what i'm saying is that you can often fool yourself into feeling a certain way. I've used this sometimes to deflect pain. I tell myself things to make me feel better and deflect the issue. In other times, i tend to distract myself... i'll watch a movie or go out or meet someone...

i guess we all do it.

sometime back, there was a time that i was really upset. When i told myself, i wasn't going to allow myself to feel that way or even show how i felt... i decided i would 'act'. That I would fool myself...

But I didn't really get very far... in that process of fooling one's self i kinda got scared cos i felt like i was actually losing the real me. I'm not sure i want that. The truth is for all of my rubbish, my insecurities, my failures and my sentimentality... I really like me.
:)

So even if the audience demands an encore... i hope the actor has only a small part to play.

Saved! (part Tres)... the 'Love' texts...

i guess the title should rather be 'the texts with Love' but this one has a nice ring to it, no?

so continuing with the series of saved texts on my phone, here's a bunch of em that're a lil sentimental and openly affectionate...

the farewell-till-next-time-you-visit-remember-we-love-and-miss-you texts


so, i don't stay in the same city as my family. yet, i'm really really attached to them and not being able to be around them more is one of the biggest regrets of my life. really. Everytime i visit home, the farewell when i've to come back is a little hard. there's always mixed feelings. there's always a sense of leaving a part of me behind. there's always a sense of regret. and there's love...

texts from mum (she's super text savvy... *chuckle*)

"We love you so o o o o o so so so . . Much son :)"

...in response to a 'love you lots n lots mum' text...

":) you know you our joy :)"

from the sis (who used to sob everytime i said bye while leaving home... even if i'd woken her up from sleep, she'd wake up bawling... i later stopped cos it was actually a little difficult to swallow... but she's kinda grown up n doesn't anymore :))

"All I know is this time i promised myself to not cry when u were leaving....and I failed miserably. I love you ashu anna."

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the job and the life

Its evident that one spends a huge portion of one's life at work... and given that situation, it's really important and a good thing to be able to love the work that you do, the people that you do it with and the environment that you create for yourself/or is created for you to do it in...

me and my boss share a relationship that is far more than just a simple working relationship. In many ways he has been a guiding light and is someone i've always looked up to. and to him, I've always been someone he could trust. we're friends. he can be really demanding and very difficult lots of the time but he's also a lot more. we're sorta 'son and father'. we're sorta yoda and a young padavan. we're boss and employee. 

...in response to a sentimental 'i'm glad we're in this together' type text (which unfortunately i don't have saved.)

"I am also glad to have you in my life"

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Ah. Life is good! It is. 

Love, Sex and Dhoka

so I haven't been writing nearly as often as i'd have liked to... but then again, i've been busy focusing on other stuff...

And while i have fleetingly thought about blog posts over the last few weeks, I'm not really sure what i'd write about... but then again, the title sorta rung a bell a few days ago...so it shall be my guiding light!

Love: its an 'ajeeb cheez'... the subtle difference of loving someone and being in love with someone... the subtle difference of feeling someone is yours, the way you would think of your child vs the 'owning' someone in a way that is self indulgent...

as I've grown older i've come to understand love in very many ways... well understand is an entirely wrong word... i guess experienced love in very many ways would be what i mean.

Free will is such an important element in the kinda love i seek. So is respect, admiration, selflessness (well, atleast lack of selfishness...), growth, friendship, fun, laughter, support... I look around and boy, its a little overwhelming to see how one is surrounded by love.

and yet you know how people say the point of life is to be happy... well, i'm not so sure. In fact i think it's not. I think the point of life is actually to experience it. to fully experience it and live it. In every emotion, every challenge, every moment...the silly blurs of childhood, the memory flashes of a college lecture on a rainy day, the sound of the rain, the pain of loss, the drear of forcing yourself to do something your not inclined to, the reassuring hug of a parent, the smell of a loved one's hair and the way it slowly fades from your pillow, the subconscious power of a memory of home cooked food... they all have their place in life.

I guess, in some ways I also think its to strive towards excellence. to attempt to discover that one might actually not have limitations... or atleast to rediscover that they can be pushed everyday. In every aspect of life...

Sex: Oh boy. have we made this a complicated plot. Sex. making Love. Fuck. Doing it. getting it on. being intimate. making out. sex with friends. sex with lovers. sex with strangers. sex with yourself. sex over the phone. sex with acquaintances. sex with girls whom you cant recall. sex with girls whom you'll never forget! sex that's carnal. sex that's spiritual. sex that's emotional. sex that's even experimental!

Bottom-line, I'm really a one-woman type of guy. But evolution didn't really give a shit. and well she (read that 'one woman') seems to be a little busy and elusive at the moment.

so every kind of experience still seems to have it's place. N i love it. N i yearn for more.

Dhoka: we always speak about honesty being the bottomline in relationships, work ethic and life. But maybe sometimes honesty is just a way of washing off the guilt.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, one cheats on one's spouse. Let's say one realizes one's folly. Let's say one genuinely repents. Is one morally inclined (from a karmic point of view as well) to be honest and confess? the argument for one to be honest is clear. But on the other hand, maybe one is purely doing so out of an inability to lump it and carry that bag of bricks called guilt, and hence chooses honesty, but is actually JUST hurting the other person. One has realized one's folly. One has felt lousy. One still loves one's partner... so what does telling the other person achieve? The truth be told, one will never really know unless one tells... but then again, the 'why' should come before the act no? There's so many aspects to the truth as well...

so yeah, I'm not so convinced. But telling the truth does feel nice sometimes. Especially when you don't have to deal with guilt. Especially when you're forgiven. Especially when it liberates.
But then again, the point of life isn't just to feel happy is it?

Bring in the jury. They've reached their verdict. And ye shall be Guilty. As charged.

:)