...Magic...

There's a feeling of disbelief that comes over me sometimes when i think about her... About the fact that she actually could love me! She loves me!!!

We met (funnily enough) through parents but from that moment, we've really got along... It's been almost 9 months since and now in a few months she's going to become my wife!

She's warm, she's loving, she's fun, she's honest, she's a 'good' person, she's gorgeous, she's talented, she's funny, she's unique, she's sunshine, she's adorable, she's committed, she's got strong values and yet somehow she's fallen for me!

Some of my insecurities and wounds have somehow effortlessly been healed by her and I'd like to believe that I've also helped her heal from some of the baggage that she was carrying... It's like we were inflicted with those wounds only so we could find and then heal each other... It's strange how much has changed for me personally now that she's a part of my life. It feels blessed and a lot more complete. There's reason to celebrate. There's someone to share the happy moments with. There's someone to look to in the not-so-happy times.

Suddenly, there's magic.

I miss her some days. I pine for her on some days. I have imaginary conversations with her in my head... And all this even though we speak almost all the time... There hasn't been a single day (except the early few) where we haven't been in touch since we first met. There's so much positivity in my life that she has brought in like sunshine... I know there will be challenges that we will face, but she makes it worthwhile... and with her I know i'm stronger. I've gone from having 'nothing to lose' to a whole different wonderful place...

I just wanted to drop in a short line to say "Thank you!"... Thank you for the love. Thank you for the warmth. Thank you for the care. Thank you for the magic.

Thank you for her.

:)

An unworthy homage to an unconditional friend

Saraswati Lollipop, my cat, passed away this morning. It was completely unexpected, accidental and suddenly it feels strange to even imagine a place called home without her.

She was the most curious and affectionate cat I'd come across - with an insane need to investigate anything that looked 'investigate-able'. She wouldn't let me out of her sight from the moment I'd enter home till the moment I'd leave... waiting patiently by my side in bed to following me into the loo to purring softly every time I carried her to getting excited and getting excessively playful every time we played together. It's difficult to know I wont be seeing her dashing ahead of me playfully in sheer excitement and bumping into something as she lost her balance as I walk around the house... 

She was special to me. She loved me. Unconditionally. She was a street cat whom a friend rescued and nursed to good health. She had been with me for only a couple of years. We used to play a strange game - every morning I would crumple one or two flyers from the newspaper and throw them on the ground around the house. Inevitably she would end up pushing these paper balls around and entertaining herself. She also took great pains in keeping Solomon (my other cat) on his toes by constantly 'blading' him to play. Off late, she seemed to get her 'kicks' from moth-hunting. 

You may have or may not have known her but she was something :)

No matter how badly I want or how how much I regret anything I cant change that she's gone.

So while I write this largely to share my love for her (and wash away some of the regret I feel) I also wanted to remind you, my dear friend, that we all have people and friends whom we should love unconditionally. And as definite as there is life, so is it's end. But in the in-between, take a moment, take many, as often as you can, to show these special friends that you love them. Unconditionally. 

And you should know, loving unconditionally is a very difficult thing. And there may be logistical and physical constraints from sharing this love. It's okay. It's honestly the thought that counts. And love has a way... of finding it's way.

Funnily, two or three nights ago, I had a dream (!!!) where she fought off a large tiger to save me as I ran away! I woke that morning and the days to come feeling so warm and protected by her - as silly as that sounds.

Saraswati - thank you for everything. Rest in peace. You are missed already.

Chasing Rainbows...

A couple of days back a friend asked me why I had so few things I was passionate about... That seemed like a strange thing for anyone to ask ME... well, atleast to me. At the time...

(well, actually, that's not exactly what she said... she actually called me "lacking in content"!!!)

And then it got me thinking...  listen to any song n you'll figure that love, heartbreak, girls/boys etc are huge inspiration n all but as I thought about it I realised that I'd very few 'activities' that I was into that I was actually genuinely involved in and passionate about anymore... 

I am easily one of the most intense, passionate and involved people I know. So, then why this predicament? Why even the need to ponder upon what may seem like a silly flake-y question? Because... There, could be some truth in the statement. In the process of life's priorities (read paying the bills and generally attending to the near and dear ones), romance, heartbreak, intoxication and rediscovering some level of self-worth I may have lost some of that magic. I may have set it aside temporarily. So, what're the things I enjoy doing... the things I like doing for myself. Not just to be sounding intelligent in some kinda conversation... The little things. And the big things.

Here's an effort to recollect. To remember. To reawaken.

(Gosh, I love lists)

• Movies... I still love them... I guess in many ways this still remains to be one of my biggest passions...
• Sports... Playing sports such as basketball, football and squash. I've had this pastime taken away from me recently over the last six months or so due to health (jaundice and then a torn knee ligament which is being really stubborn about healing!) but I hope to get playing fit soon. I really enjoy my playtime... there's something to be said about the amazing ability it has to make me feel. No matter what mood I'm in, a good game leaves me charged. I guess you could also put working out and staying fit in this category. This is a big category!
• Food... I totally still got this :-) 
• Mind Games... I loved puzzles and mind tests. I still do. I must pursue this more.
• Music... I really love listening to good music. i sorta decided somewhere along the way to not spend too much energies into sourcing new and different music but I now feel like I must... I really need to. It's one of those things that i've fooled myself into since I'm never really sure on what I'm missing out on... Maybe it's time to invest in an ipod.
• Paragliding... I loved doing my first level course. I must do my second sometime soon. I also need to go skydiving!
• Friends and Family... Spending quality time with them. Helping them. Understanding them. Interacting with them. I totally still got this but I probably need to interact with them more meaningfully socially... I wonder why 90% of hanging out with friends involves alcohol (which I still love even though we've temporarily parted ways)... or movies or dinner... What are the different fun things that people can do together and speak about.
• Life Goals... and achieving them. I wonder what happened to some of these. I guess sometimes its important to focus on some things and set some things aside so that others can be achieved. But its important for me to re-fraternize with some of these... like the restaurant or the school (well, you may not know what I'm talking about... but I do!).
• Health... well, I'm not doing too badly here now... But there's always room for improvement. And I've got to take good care of myself consistently... No taking anything for granted.
• Traveling with friends and family... while I've been doing this a fair bit. I guess there's always room for more... But this has been happening quite a bit actually...
• Making a Difference... I know this is sorta covered under life goals but I guess I want to just reiterate
• Challenges... I like challenges of various kinds. I just like the idea of having to prepare and train myself for them. It's how I approach some of my tasks and stuff...
• This blog - see! I'm writing for me again!

So that's about it for now. I may add to this list. But for now, what can I say... It's good to be back. 

And Chasing Rainbows...

The Wedding Speech (or what should've been)

I was at a close friend's wedding recently and after it was over a bunch of met up in Goa for two days and nights of absolute fun...

On the last night, while we all chilled at Zanzibar, a bunch of people who were really 'really' close (the inner 'inner' circle - that doesn't include me) made small speeches wishing the couple and what it's mean to them etc...

Here's mine (I sent them an email) - 

Ever so rarely you meet someone with whom you wanna share most of the things that life has to offer. Ever so rarely you meet someone that you're also willing to suffer through the annoying and difficult parts of their personality and the attachments that they come along with - ever so rarely these things even become fun. I remember how much I used to find stretch marks terribly unattractive until I fell in love with a girl who had a few... and then I actually missed em! Love has a way of obliterating things that would've ordinarily mattered. And it's wonderful to see it in the two of you. I even remember enviously walking out of XYZ's cabin in office several months ago when I saw how happy he was and wondering when/if I would ever have such emotion...

The funny thing about marriage though is that it needs more than just love. It is possible there will be times when it will feel so difficult to love each other. You guys will need to learn to forgive (sometimes, its possible it won't be easy... and will take time), to communicate (and that includes listening!) and to be insanely patient and strong for each other. I'm definitely not one to take any relationship advice from :) but always place the most importance on the bond that now binds you guys - in times of love, difficulty, illness, sorrow and come what may.

I see such a wonderful happiness in the two if you - you guys make 1+1= Infiniti. It has such a positive effect on the people around you as well. It makes me think it's not such a bad thing to be vulnerable.

From the bottom of my heart (which isn't too deep)- I wish you guys the best and all the things you guys wish for yourselves. Here's to awesomeness.

*skulls whiskey* 

Sometimes, the universe needs to make a choice for you...

I'm tired of choices. Of making em... or not.

The old adages... they seem to all make sense. And I don't care.

Go on, make me an offer I can't refuse.

As there is a void... there is an answer.

Too tired, distracted and un-motivated to write... listless, if you will.

But life, has a way of changing on you. You start off as a child... dreaming. And then somewhere along the way someone says "stop dreaming..." and still you don't. But you realize you aren't necessarily living your dream. A little later... you realize you aren't even chasing em.

And then, on some days, they don't matter.

But you never stop dreaming.

There must be a reason. Hain na?

A Prayer

Dear God/Universe,

Thank you for everything you've given me. It's really great and I do value everything a lot. Family, friends, love, warmth, wealth, intelligence, goodness and so much more...

I'm having a few problems and I really need your help on these a little bit. I know you're probably watching me and helping out as it is, but I'm just raising these anyways...

- I need to learn and enjoy moderation - especially when it comes to my drinking. I drink way too much and often don't know my limits. I used to like the madness. I don't know why I did. I want to stop being that way. I cant understand why I needed everything to be crazy... Life is not a movie and I need to understand that its not necessary to be dramatic. I need a little calm.

- I'd like to be a better influence to the world and people around me - there are things about me that're very selfish. I wish I could lose them as much as possible. I'd really like to be able to make the people around me happier.

- The Emptiness needs to go...

Thanks again!

David's 10 Maxims for Life

Yesterday, I had the pleasure and honour of listening to one of my colleagues share some of his life lessons and speak about 'How to be a Good Agent'. And while it seemed as though he was talking about work mostly, to me it felt entirely like he was actually talking about life. These were some great and valuable insights into how to approach life and I really wanted to share them with you... I even made notes!

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1. Its Nothing more than a Little Hard Work...

No Matter how hopeless or difficult a situation may seem, no matter how daunting and intimidating a task at hand may be, no matter how depressed or low something has made you... the truth really is that all it takes to get back up, to find that solution, to dig yourself out - is a little hard work. Break it down, bit by bit, step by step... keep at it. And soon you'll be at mile by mile...

2. The Key to Success is Just Showing Up...

Sometimes you win half the battle by just showing up. You have to get off your ass and get into that room. Its half the battle won already.

3. Celebrate your Accomplishments. But Always, Strive for Excellence (and then more!).

It's really important to be able to look back and be happy with what you have achieved. And it's equally important to be able to look forward with humility and strive to be the best you can be.

4. Don't Worry about what They are doing. Focus on what YOU are doing.

Yes, the world is probably a fiercely competitive place. But why allow someone else to dictate your standards of efficiency/effectiveness/satisfaction/life? Do things in the manner and approach that make you happy!

5. If you want something, you have to take immediate and deliberate steps to achieve it.

Often when faced with a daunting task, we procrastinate or don't know where to begin. It's one of those classic cases where we suddenly wake up one day and realize time has passed us by and we didn't do anything about it. It's important to act. And it's important to act in a deliberate manner (which is not to be confused with being restless and impatient). 

6. Respect Everyone.

It's one of the hallmarks of a good human being.

7. There's a fine line between Confidence and 'Cockiness'.

It's called humility. Let it soak into your being. Funnily, humility is a quality that most genuinely happy possess.

8. Don't just be there in Success. Be there in Failure as well.

Most people remembers the ones who were there for them when they're down and out. If you really want to make a difference in someone's life, make sure you're there for them when they're down.

9. It's Better to Have It and Not Need It... Than to Need it and Not Have It.

There's no harm in being over-prepared. Don't overburden yourself but try to avoid winging it. Chances are, you'll get caught out. You never can be entirely sure of what kind of situation you're stepping into. 

10. Hard Work Drives Everything.

If you don't put in the heart, you will never come out with the muscle or the wisdom.

Bonus Maxim 11. Information is only Good if you Use it.

Never stop listening. Keep your ears open and hear what people are saying. There is a world out there as well.

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A successful person is not the person who wakes up in the morning with the most money, women or the largest house... A successful person is someone who wakes up in the morning and looks forward to their day (and going into work!)

The Bitter-Sweet Emptiness of the Adultery that Never was

He dreamt of her, laughing through the sunshine of the day,

But woke up next to someone else...

He may have whispered sweet nothings as they slept,

Which were never heard...

The Emptiness, it has it's Place...
And what an Irony that is...

They'd laughed like mad children,
At the way that they'd know what each was thinking,
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But now the sounds that're heard are of intoxicated voices
Flush with lies and temporary meaning.

The heart wants, what it cannot have.

So i'm sorta reviving an old post (that I didn't post since I didn't wanna seem defeatist). And it's not really how i feel at this point. But it was/has been how i felt a few days ago...

I used to feel like less of a man, the morning after. Which is the exact opposite of how I should've felt. I guess it doesn't matter and I know it'll change.... when it does. There was a need to drift along in intoxicated spirits and cheer ... and there was a need to 'get on with it' and put life in place with sobriety (it a pattern!).

I know it's gonna be great again. There might be a little emptiness today, but it's a lot less than what i felt a few days ago. And it shall pass. Bit by bit. Mile by mile.

I do feel better already. Bring on life!