Dreams...

I rarely ever have dreams that are sweet and pleasant...

In fact sometimes, when I'm really upset or stressed, I'll just wake up and lie awake in bed feeling horrible... But I never have dreams that are really beautiful... the kind that make you smile...

Last night I had a nightmare. Well, technically this morning. It was the kinda dream that inspires horror films. And the thing is, I stay alone... or you could say with my cat. Even so, i'm not one to get spooked. In fact the logical mind kicks in and always seem to rationalize the situation. It's funny though how we never ever seem to get spooked during the day...

I've often wondered why we dream. Sometimes, I've had the strangest dreams that leave behind a taste in the back of one's mouth... a textured sensation in one's breath... or a chill. I've had dreams that've randomly left me disturbed, where I've had to call friends or family to make sure they were ok. Maybe we've all had them...

I wonder why we dream the dreams we dream...

It's kinda ironical then that we use the word 'dream' with aspirations... when possibly it has more to do with fears. I guess I rarely dream... maybe when I sleep, I 'nightmare' more!

So I ask myself what're the things that make me smile when I go to sleep... Or when I wake up... Most of the time, the things that'll make me smile have to do with tiny moments of intimacy... moments that're laugh-out-loud funny... moments that're brilliant and beautiful... moments that're profoundly proud and satisfying... moments that're almost always with friends, family and life. Moments of excellence. These moments are the things that inspire and make one continue to strive...

So, if I wake up with a smile on my face and you find yourself seeing that smile of mine... know that it aint cos I'd a lovely dream. It was cos of you. It is cos of you.

"I love women. I have all their albums."

This is a post about Hank Moody (from 'Californication') and me... and the reasons why I hate where the creators took the show over the last two seasons...


Hank is the rebellious cynical half-poet with undeniable dark charm and affinity for the prettier sex who somehow always seems to have countless women throwing themselves at him in spite of the messed up situations he gets into... and yet deep down he's really just a one-woman guy madly in love with his ex-wife and daughter... But he just can't seem to keep it together...


so, the truth is... there is so much about Hank that i identify with. I know how he does 85% of the stuff he does to keep himself occupied... to keep himself distracted... to help himself deal with the fact that you dont always get what you want... and yet he knows its possible he's just making excuses to himself...


In the show hank says some of the most candid, irreverent and honest things a man feels... how in times that're ridiculously serious we'll feel like looking at a pair of tits for example. None of us would ever dare even allow the thought to linger. Hank will revel in it... and in some situations he's painfully loyal in his own twisted way... and Yet in others he'll just walk outta the room where he was with the love of his life and make out with the next set of legs that walks by - a walking contradiction. And in others, he'll say the coolest, most poetic (which are sometimes strangely irreverently honest) things... here's a few... (including the title too!)

"A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness."

"You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly."

"There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen."

"I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare. As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time, noble in thought... weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give."

Hank makes being a major fuck-up look cool. He really does. I hate that they reduced him to being a total mess. I know it's just a show... and I know life isn't rosy... we all have our defeats and victories and I guess there really is no single rule that applies to life and the world...except, that it moves on.

But I wish they hadn't made him fail at the things that mattered most to him - Karen (his ex-wife) and his daughter...

I sometimes feel like I know Hank... in me. A friend told me very recently that she didn't know why i didn't show the 'real' me to people... that if i did, they wouldn't stand a chance and would all love me choicelessly. well, i thought they did anyway... well ok, not really. but I kinda make do with whomever I'm talking to... 85% of the time I'm not even interested (no offense here btw! The issue is me.)... I'm only passing time i guess... So honestly, I rarely care. I rarely have the patience. 

But I know i'll be great when i feel like i want to. I hope at least. When passion finds itself in my life. And the passions that have found emself in my life. 

Finally, to Hank I say... "Take it easy Moody, it's just a show... it aint life."

the Actor

So, i've been told many a time that i'm a fabulous actor. I've also been told many a time that i can't hide my emotions. I wonder if these both come from very different facets of myself... or are they the same side of the coin. The word actor is derived from 'one who acts'... hence by definition, a skilled actor pretends... or does the fine actor actually feel emotion to such an extent that he emotes naturally, the method actor...

The 'actor' in my life has always been a pretender...

Increasingly I've been finding that in various situations in my life, the actor has to come alive. In fact, on so many occasions we all act. But the scary thing about acting isn't the fact that one is often pretending... the scary part is that eventually one begins to fool one's self into believing the act...

Ever told yourself, 'ok, stop it. get over it and be happy.' Pretty soon, someone cracks a coupla jokes, or something funny happens and Voila! your giggling and finding yourself feeling warm again... On the other hand, if you sometimes just decide not to 'let go' of something and want to stay angry, it's amazing how everything that happens will stress you out n piss you off...

so basically what i'm saying is that you can often fool yourself into feeling a certain way. I've used this sometimes to deflect pain. I tell myself things to make me feel better and deflect the issue. In other times, i tend to distract myself... i'll watch a movie or go out or meet someone...

i guess we all do it.

sometime back, there was a time that i was really upset. When i told myself, i wasn't going to allow myself to feel that way or even show how i felt... i decided i would 'act'. That I would fool myself...

But I didn't really get very far... in that process of fooling one's self i kinda got scared cos i felt like i was actually losing the real me. I'm not sure i want that. The truth is for all of my rubbish, my insecurities, my failures and my sentimentality... I really like me.
:)

So even if the audience demands an encore... i hope the actor has only a small part to play.

Saved! (part Tres)... the 'Love' texts...

i guess the title should rather be 'the texts with Love' but this one has a nice ring to it, no?

so continuing with the series of saved texts on my phone, here's a bunch of em that're a lil sentimental and openly affectionate...

the farewell-till-next-time-you-visit-remember-we-love-and-miss-you texts


so, i don't stay in the same city as my family. yet, i'm really really attached to them and not being able to be around them more is one of the biggest regrets of my life. really. Everytime i visit home, the farewell when i've to come back is a little hard. there's always mixed feelings. there's always a sense of leaving a part of me behind. there's always a sense of regret. and there's love...

texts from mum (she's super text savvy... *chuckle*)

"We love you so o o o o o so so so . . Much son :)"

...in response to a 'love you lots n lots mum' text...

":) you know you our joy :)"

from the sis (who used to sob everytime i said bye while leaving home... even if i'd woken her up from sleep, she'd wake up bawling... i later stopped cos it was actually a little difficult to swallow... but she's kinda grown up n doesn't anymore :))

"All I know is this time i promised myself to not cry when u were leaving....and I failed miserably. I love you ashu anna."

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the job and the life

Its evident that one spends a huge portion of one's life at work... and given that situation, it's really important and a good thing to be able to love the work that you do, the people that you do it with and the environment that you create for yourself/or is created for you to do it in...

me and my boss share a relationship that is far more than just a simple working relationship. In many ways he has been a guiding light and is someone i've always looked up to. and to him, I've always been someone he could trust. we're friends. he can be really demanding and very difficult lots of the time but he's also a lot more. we're sorta 'son and father'. we're sorta yoda and a young padavan. we're boss and employee. 

...in response to a sentimental 'i'm glad we're in this together' type text (which unfortunately i don't have saved.)

"I am also glad to have you in my life"

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Ah. Life is good! It is. 

Love, Sex and Dhoka

so I haven't been writing nearly as often as i'd have liked to... but then again, i've been busy focusing on other stuff...

And while i have fleetingly thought about blog posts over the last few weeks, I'm not really sure what i'd write about... but then again, the title sorta rung a bell a few days ago...so it shall be my guiding light!

Love: its an 'ajeeb cheez'... the subtle difference of loving someone and being in love with someone... the subtle difference of feeling someone is yours, the way you would think of your child vs the 'owning' someone in a way that is self indulgent...

as I've grown older i've come to understand love in very many ways... well understand is an entirely wrong word... i guess experienced love in very many ways would be what i mean.

Free will is such an important element in the kinda love i seek. So is respect, admiration, selflessness (well, atleast lack of selfishness...), growth, friendship, fun, laughter, support... I look around and boy, its a little overwhelming to see how one is surrounded by love.

and yet you know how people say the point of life is to be happy... well, i'm not so sure. In fact i think it's not. I think the point of life is actually to experience it. to fully experience it and live it. In every emotion, every challenge, every moment...the silly blurs of childhood, the memory flashes of a college lecture on a rainy day, the sound of the rain, the pain of loss, the drear of forcing yourself to do something your not inclined to, the reassuring hug of a parent, the smell of a loved one's hair and the way it slowly fades from your pillow, the subconscious power of a memory of home cooked food... they all have their place in life.

I guess, in some ways I also think its to strive towards excellence. to attempt to discover that one might actually not have limitations... or atleast to rediscover that they can be pushed everyday. In every aspect of life...

Sex: Oh boy. have we made this a complicated plot. Sex. making Love. Fuck. Doing it. getting it on. being intimate. making out. sex with friends. sex with lovers. sex with strangers. sex with yourself. sex over the phone. sex with acquaintances. sex with girls whom you cant recall. sex with girls whom you'll never forget! sex that's carnal. sex that's spiritual. sex that's emotional. sex that's even experimental!

Bottom-line, I'm really a one-woman type of guy. But evolution didn't really give a shit. and well she (read that 'one woman') seems to be a little busy and elusive at the moment.

so every kind of experience still seems to have it's place. N i love it. N i yearn for more.

Dhoka: we always speak about honesty being the bottomline in relationships, work ethic and life. But maybe sometimes honesty is just a way of washing off the guilt.
Let's say, for the sake of argument, one cheats on one's spouse. Let's say one realizes one's folly. Let's say one genuinely repents. Is one morally inclined (from a karmic point of view as well) to be honest and confess? the argument for one to be honest is clear. But on the other hand, maybe one is purely doing so out of an inability to lump it and carry that bag of bricks called guilt, and hence chooses honesty, but is actually JUST hurting the other person. One has realized one's folly. One has felt lousy. One still loves one's partner... so what does telling the other person achieve? The truth be told, one will never really know unless one tells... but then again, the 'why' should come before the act no? There's so many aspects to the truth as well...

so yeah, I'm not so convinced. But telling the truth does feel nice sometimes. Especially when you don't have to deal with guilt. Especially when you're forgiven. Especially when it liberates.
But then again, the point of life isn't just to feel happy is it?

Bring in the jury. They've reached their verdict. And ye shall be Guilty. As charged.

:)