...A Withering Old Man, Alone Under a Rain Tree...

Growing old alone has been something I've feared sometimes... Illness, eccentricity, loss of reality, delusions, becoming senile, loneliness, inability to enjoy and do so many things... It's scary.

But then there are so many other things that I guess its difficult to fathom - collective wisdom, the immense growth in character, the pleasure in the small things...

But I'd like to share 4 different examples of ageing I've seen in my life...

The Lady Downstairs
Every morning I can hear her moans (which are really screams that she unsuccessfully attempts thanks to her ill-health) as she keeps calling out to someone... In the past she would sit with her door ajar and ask everyone who walked by what time it was... and then would attempt to make small talk as she repeated everything you said... her brain would slowly seem to process this information and yet the next time you saw her she asked you the same questions... Her son/nephew is a foul-mouthed, uncouth person who  works in the middle east and she has another extremely old lady (albeit in slightly better health but senile nevertheless) and a maid during the day for company. Once upon a time they called me into their house to see some seepage and there was a sickening hospital-like odour in the house...

It scares me.

Cuddles
Cuddles is an aged Labrador... She belongs to a friend. Rather she was inherited by a friend after her father passed away. Cuddles was her father's dog. Well actually, her father's friend's dog. So now Cuddles grows old with little love or affection and is a reminder of so many memories that aren't wanted. And while there is the sanitary 'taking care' that is done to care of her... the truth is, she isn't really  wanted. She wasn't by choice. But now they cope with her. They aren't bad people at all. In fact, quite the opposite. But she just doesn't happen to be what they wanted... and they don't have a choice. So, they cope.

I've felt sad for cuddles.

Chinna Patiamma
Chinna Patiamma just celebrated her centenary birthday surrounded by family and friends in October. She is a cynosure of affection for her family. She is active, extremely positive in her outlook, vibrant and so so so affectionate. She refers to me as one of her own grandchildren. In typical fashion as most elders in India she blesses me every time she sees me... We chat and laugh. I tease her about her 'fashionable' haircut and how we should go out together sometime...

I can't fathom how she does it. She's over a 100 years old!

Uncle, a friend's dad
He lost his wife early this year, suffers from acute diabetes, has a few toes and a foot amputated, has very limited sight, needs dialysis twice a week and so many more health issues... But he is one of the most vibrant and happy people you will ever meet. He exudes confidence and charm. Every time you meet him, he has fascinating stories of his travels around the world to tell you about and several insights into everyday life. He smiles from within. And even through all of his health issues, he is the rock that gives his children emotional support. When you meet him you feel such a strong sense of purpose and general amazement at life that it cant help but leave you inspired.

I really like spending time with uncle...

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If ever I am a withering old man, alone under a rain tree... i hope i sit there smiling and surrounded by love.

In My World, 2011 has been a year of...

New Beginnings...

Well, I did begin to write this blog... I also began working in a completely new job profile and responsibility... I made a few new friends... Some of my friends began new journeys that I was a part of in a small way... I reconnected with lost friends and mentors... There have been some thoughts and ideas that have begun to seed in my head...

But Beginnings almost always seem to have their ends...

Coming to Understand the Things I Value Most...

Family, Friends, Love, Work, Time, Money, Making a Difference, Fitness, Helping, Being Kind and Fair, Being Successful, Nurturing, Supportive, Adventure, Varied Experiences...

Baby Steps Towards the Things I Value...

I try to go home more often and spend more time with my folks. I value Time with them much, much more. I've grown closer to some of my friends... I've become more accommodating while also realizing which of them I value and which I'm not really sure of... I've made a conscious effort to be a positive influence in the world around me (...if you know me, have I been one in your world?)... I may have not done much but I've tried... I've begun sending more money home...

Learning how to Let Go... and How to Hang On

It's been a year that's taught me about insecurity... and being able to try to let go of it. It's been a year that taught me to love and simultaneously not lose sight of my life... It's been a year that's reminded me of how to look out for others before myself... I've been forced to learn to let go of anger, frustration, guilt, vengeance and move on... to forgive, forget and become wiser...

Proud, Special Moments and Small Victories

There have been so many small things that have happened through the year that warm the heart... a friend getting a new job, my sister getting a scholarship, a loan being approved, booking a new car, getting a raise, receiving a random text...

Reduced Random Madness...

There wasn't the seismic volume of madness that surrounded the 'me' of the past few years. It's been a fairly tempered year... The keyword is 'random'... so while it has had its share of call-it-what-you-will, it's been a year that was made of

...Mature, Informed, Patient Choices

Many a time, I've held myself back and thought through a lot of what I did. The 'me' of the past was impulsive and impatient. Choices I've made have usually been thought out and calmly processed... There have been testing times that I've patiently waited through... and others that I've broken down in, and yet somehow found a way to pull through...

But there have also been some

...Mad, Fun, Memorable Times

Bachelor Parties, weekends spent in conversation and laughter, long long nights of celebration, affection and sharing.

*he laughs to himself recollecting some of these*

Injury

Throughout the year, I've been carrying some form of physical injury or the other... and I've tried to fight inertia to stay fit. This I need to do better in the following year.

Better Work

Work over the last few months has been more gratifying than in the past... But i expect more from myself here as well...

... And Life Goes On...


PS - I realize this was a long, verbose and probably boring mail... But I really did write this one entirely for me.

Hi

I was watching this movie called 'The Hurricane' based on the true life story of Rubin "Hurricane" Carter a few days ago on cable. It wasn't the first time I was watching the movie... I remember watching it several years ago while i was in college (wow, feels strange to be referring to my college days as 'several years ago') and it made me cry like a baby. Well, i am a little bit of a 'cry-er', especially when it comes to movies, and this is a phenomenally courageous and emotional story... definitely, a must watch.

But, I digress. There's a scene in the movie where Rubin Carter (played by Denzel Washington) is sent to 90 days of solitary confinement.

90 days.
In a dark room.
A.L.O.N.E.

Scary. One of my biggest fears is/was growing old alone...

I wonder what it is about being alone that makes a lot of us cringe... While some of us do enjoy time alone, I think there's a an innate need for us to interact. To appreciate. To be appreciated. To discuss. To Argue... a need for external stimulus. So yes, some of us may like 'alone' time, but we still need a television/book/scenic venue...

I guess what i'm saying is that it's funny that while so much of how we perceive the world around us is about our own state of mind, yet we often seem to rely on the world around us for stimulation. Of. Every. Kind.

Lack of stimulus makes us feel lonely, bored, wasted, un-loved... I guess you could call it attention, sharing, interacting, touch, actions etc... these are just words...

I know that for me, there is an innate need to share, to do things together, to interact with people... and even when i'm alone I try to talk/chat to people over the phone/net... else i end up watching sports or movies or shows... and even in the rare occasion read a book.

But effectively, I guess your thinking "what else does he expect us to do?"

Nothing, really. i just thought its interesting.

But the next time you type out a text message that happens to just say the word "Hi" and are about to press 'send'.
Hold on.
Think about it.
Is that all you have to stimulate someone with? Really?

Cos that's really what they want... a fix. a stimulant... sometimes even a shred of humour or inspiration. Go ahead, contribute. It can't hurt. Too much.

Reminds me of the opening words in the movie 'Crash'... It's life, really.

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. "

...Perfect Beautiful Love...

So, I haven't blogged in AGES... I've been meaning to on several occasions and have had so much to write about but somehow just didn't...

I've been busy with work (I committed to myself that I wouldn't blog during work no matter how slow my days were... and Voila! Work got challenging and hectic and all that...).

And my life's update in a nutshell: I fell back in love.

Gosh, that sounds mushy... But it's true. Or well, let me rephrase... I realized I loved a special someone...

It's special. To say the least. And it's strange. When you cherish a relationship that way, the very things that sometimes irritate you, often become the things you grow to like...

"...imperfection is the basis of beauty..."

- Me :)

There are moments when one is overcome by this inner sense of belonging and affection (and it is a great feeling). There are moments of strange beauty. There are moments of insecurity. There are others filled with jealousy and disappointment. There are times of happiness. There are times of intimacy... and so much more... pride, confusion, frustration, laughter, temptation, attraction, admiration, warmth, honesty...

And I dare say, it's imperfect. 

It's beautiful. 

It makes me smile... and laugh.

And well, there have also been times that it's made me cry... the whole spectrum.

I won't stand here (well, figuratively speaking...) and glorify it cos that would just be silly. But I will say this... I cherish this love. More than even I thought I did. It makes me want to be a better man. Well, on most days at least. 

And when that kinda love comes along, even the most ardent readers of this blog will forgive me for being distracted. 

Won't you? 

:)

And as far as imperfections and love go... I wouldn't have it any other way!