Flotsam. Is that me, now?

Rusty, weary and nervous... Very freaking nervous.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort at work... a LOT of patience... a LOT of waiting.

I've spent a LOT of time and effort on so many things. Personal spaces, life, professional relationships, relationships...

And while at this moment it feels like i've got nothing to show, i know that's not entirely true. Yet, i feel like i haven't done enough... I feel rusty.

I've been making errors with contracts over the last couple of months. I've been waiting and passing time on facebook and youtube during office hours cos there's been little else to do! In fact a day spent reading reports tends to feel productive, while actually it should be something i do in my spare time to be extra prepared. I feel rusty. I feel restless and this can't be good for my work.

I feel that way about my personal life too sometimes.

Ok, so the logical mind is saying take it easy... don't panic. It doesn't help. Breathe.

Breathe.

It'll happen. It will.

Breathe. Ok now come on, show me a light. I need clarity.

I'm not enjoying this flotsam type feeling. But then again, every moment has a lesson. So, this is one to be learnt.

Even flotsam, moves in the direction of the tide. Even flotsam has a centre of gravity.

Whoooosa! :)

Free Will. It is a Bitch.

Walk into a bar. You smile. The music soaks into you. The endorphins start to flow through your body. A girl walks by. Her eyes meet yours. She smiles… You walk on. Hi-fives all around to your mates. Bartender gets you your drink over the clamoring others with a smile. And then you see the girl in turquoise blue. 

beat. 

beat. 

She looks away. You walk up. You talk. She laughs. Then a little more. She's got you by her little finger... 

But you don't let her know. Or well, you do. 

Life goes on. And with it the beautiful little moments of flirting, of texting, of charming, of dancing, a few poems, a few flowers, and more…

And you've charmed her… Charmed her pants off. (well. not literally. not yet. Or well...) And she's got your heart.

So there's a point when for you to really have her, she's gotta take a leap of faith. And she'll have to keep taking em. Some small, others impossibly large and seemingly catastrophic. Well actually, both of you will have to.

At that point, you can choose to charm her… or you can leave it upto free will. You can make her laugh, treat her like a princess, you can even listen… and in all probability she will melt. And she will leap.

But ever so rarely, when you come to that point, you sit back and hope… and wait. And watch if she will take that leap of faith.

Now the thing is, sometimes she'll choose otherwise. But one has to accept that.

cos free will, it is a bitch.

But if she does, catch her as she lands. 

(Even if she is a little heavy). 

In which direction does the Stork fly?

Apparently, in Italy, everyone is a flirt. Well, every man atleast. Possibly, the stork lost its way just before me was born... Italian shores beckoned but the package was dropped in the hands of a lovely couple of Naiks in Hyderabad at the time. Thank god!

But the streak remains. I love to flirt. I love meeting an interesting person. I love talking to an engaging, pretty woman... And I'm bold enough to do it randomly.

I've met the most wonderful women all through my life and had the pleasure of interacting with so many of you all thanks to this extrovert-ish, unabashed nature. And well there have been the others.

Eventually comes along a time when one may fall in love. Actually well, i can't say i know anyone who hasn't. (*So rephrasing*) Eventually comes along a time when one falls in love. And then eventually also comes along a time to move on. To future meetings or new beginnings...

So i guess, thus i come to the point of this post (rather quickly too)...

I'm not sure if there's a reason why we learn every lesson, why we make every turn, why we make every choice, why we choose (or fool ourselves that we don't make some choices) to live a certain way...or if it's random.

I'm not sure if the point of life is to be happy... or wise... or is it to live to the fullest in each and every emotion. whether it be comic or tragic, or a tad sad, or solely lonely...

I dont know if regrets are worth carrying, and eventually healing or if it were best that they be laid down to rest...

I live in this duality. And at every turn, every corner, and along the way... there seems to be an answer. Incomplete. Yet, sometimes complete in that moment.

And then, the clock ticks...

So apparently i didn't come to the point of this post...

PS- it didn't seem to have one! oh well, reflections of a restless state of mind... or restless mind? 
hahahaha... (*evil laughter*)